With Father’s Day and graduation season right around the corner, chances are you’re getting a little nervous about gift shopping for the men in your life. One can only give Dad so many ties and and coffee mugs and pairs of slippers before everyone involved starts to get a little bored. And let’s not even talk about the time Mom gave him those boudoir photos.
Jeez, Mom, did you have to use my Mr. Microphone?!
Let’s face it: guys can be difficult to buy for. When it comes to men, you can’t pull the same crap you pull with women and buy them cop-out gifts like scented lotion and fancy candles. OR CAN YOU?
Feast your eyes upon Yankee Candle’s newest line of merchandise, Man Candles. “Man Candles?” I can hear you saying if you’re the kind of weirdo who talks aloud to yourself, “What on Earth makes them Man Candles? Are their voices deeper? Have they undergone spermatogenesis? Is their life expectancy less than that of a Lady Candle?” These are all valid questions. Valid questions coming from a goofy, talking-aloud weirdo like yourself, that is. The rest of us can clearly see that Yankee Candle is simply trying to market a specific product line to men. Freak.
Let’s take a closer look at the four signature Man Candle scents Yankee Candle is attempting to sell to the betesticled among us:
Riding Mower is straightforward enough: it smells like “freshly-cut grass.” Nevermind that Yankee Candle has a “Green Grass” candle that they describe as having the fragrance of “a freshly-cut lawn,” Riding Mower is clearly different because…because…THERE’S A DUDE ON THE FRONT, THAT’S WHY.
2X4 smells like wood. No, the real kind. NO, THE KIND THAT COMES FROM TREES. Perfect for the man who wants to have his house smell like the last three aisles of a Home Depot.
First Down smells like “orange, patchouli, vetiver, and leather,” which seems like it would smell more like a male sex worker than a football game, but what do I know? Who’s to say deviant sexual activity has no place in football? Certainly not anyone at Penn State OH I WENT THERE.
Man Town is just embarrassing. I won’t even tell you what Yankee Candle claims this one smells like, because you know it’s just straight-up Drakkar Noir. Go ahead and buy this one for any 14-18-year-old boys you know. It’ll save them all the trouble of dousing the carpet in their rooms with CK One.
So, that’s it. Not too bad, but not too good. It certainly could have been worse, and that’s precisely where I come in. I’ve come up with a few prototypes for additions to the Man Candles line, based on real world experience (i.e., crass stereotypes), and I’m hoping that the higher-ups will see this post, recognize my genius, and give me the job I’ve always been meant to have: selling expensive scented wax that is capable of burning entire households to the ground.
Ironically, the candle that started the whole mess was “Singed Hair and Charred Cabinetry.”
Without further ado, my proposed Mandles:
Everyone likes to set the mood with candles, and your depressing nightly tugfests need all the help they can get. Specially formulated to eliminate all odors of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, Very Very Masturberry features a light berry scent, perfectly reminiscent of that chick you met that one summer at camp whose hair always smelled like strawberries when she ran past you in those little terrycloth shorts and GOD MOM GET OUT OF HERE I THOUGHT I LOCKED THE DOOR.
Who said your only option was the arm you sat on so it would fall asleep and therefore seem like someone else’s? No one, that’s who! Get out of the basement and into the produce section and enjoy nature’s luscious bounty the way it should be: amidst a flurry of intense pleasure and shame. Too embarrassed to troll Farmer’s Markets looking for companionship? Then light up this delightful scent to put you in the mood. With notes of peach and mango lilting through the house, you’ll be inspired to defile the fruit bowl in no time. Buy fresh, buy local!
Of course, not all love affairs end happily. Sometimes things go sour, and when they do, there’s nothing better than a tropical getaway to cleanse the mind and spirit. Be transported to soft white sands and clear blue waters with this signature scent — which contains absolutely no hints of that lying C-U-Next-Tuesday’s disgusting perfume.
Ready to get back in the game but still working on your confidence? No need to rush things, friend. Take all the time you need to build the necessary courage to ask your attractive coworker out for drinks, but in the meantime, why not enjoy the imagined fresh, clean scent of your potential paramour’s drawers? Do you think they have flowers on them? I bet they totally have flowers on them.
With all this talk of love, it’s easy to forget about taking care of yourself. Let the warm, spicy aroma of Nut Check remind you that hey, you’ve got balls, and it’s probably time for you to do that weird ball check thing in the shower. The label of this signature candle actually peels off to reveal a step-by-step guide to a testicular self-exam, complete with unintentionally hilarious illustrations.
Company’s arriving in ten minutes. Real talk.
You know what one of my favorite things about guys is? The fact that they eat when they’re hungry and indulge cravings without making a big deal about it. Want a cupcake? EAT A CUPCAKE. THEN SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT. Want a cupcake but don’t have one in the house? Then light this candle until you can get one. First one to whine about ass size has to hold their hand on the live flame for two solid minutes.
So, I started to run out of crass stereotypes and began looking around for other things that guys like. They like Larry the Cable Guy, right? Git-R-Done and what have you? This might actually be an interesting experiment to see if fans of Larry the Cable Guy will buy a product from a company that has “Yankee” in its name. Maybe if we make it smell like Mountain Dew and fear-based intolerance? Perhaps.
Well, that’s all I have so far. What did I miss? What prototypes would you like to see? Let me know in the comments — I’m expecting that call from the Yankee Candle home office any day now.