After nearly 10 years and more than 200 episodes, CBS has canceled CSI: Miami. Though the series has won numerous awards, it is best known for star David Caruso’s poignant sunglasses moments as Miami police Lieutenant Horatio Caine.
Before we move on, here’s a 7-minute compilation of Caruso’s self-indulgent, overacting that’s better than the entire 10 seasons of the show.
Now that CSI: Miami is done, signaling the end of the police procedural era as we know it, how will the show’s fans fill the 10 PM Eastern void on Sunday evenings? I have a few ideas.
Enjoy some intimate time with your partner.
Couples spend less time engaged in sexual activity than at any other point in history thanks in part to modern forms of entertainment, according to scientists somewhere.* Use the time you’d normally spend watching Caruso make out with his sunglasses to make out with your significant other. Go ahead… we’ll wait.
Oh. Uh. Moving on then.
Sneak onto a real police crime scene with your kids and reenact moments from CSI: Miami.
It’s never too early to learn about the glamorous world of fictional criminal law. Just be sure your little a-hole kids don’t contaminate the corpse with gummy worms or boogers or iPods or whatever kids eat these days.
“YOU GOT TO BE CARUSO LAST TIME!”
Climb Shaquille O’Neal.
After all these years stuck inside watching CSI: Miami, why not step outside and get some fresh air. The view from the top of Mount Shaq is far more breathtaking than any ballistics analysis scene.
“Hey kids! If we stay here long enough, we might end up in Kazaam 2!”
So get over to REI.com — they don’t endorse anything we do, by the way — and buy some climbing gear. After all, nothing is more rewarding than completing a rigorous physical challenge.
“The two of you have to undress and roll around on me for 30 seconds. Warning… you may get slimed.”
Support Ron Paul.
Now that Ron Paul is out of money and essentially ending his presidential campaign, the little guy needs all the help he can get. So find him, put him in your pocket, and take him on adventures. We all know he’d make a better tiny mythical companion than he would a president.
“Ahhh! Slow down! No, no, don’t slow down! Weeeeeeee!!!”
Take up a craft.
With the growth of sites like Etsy and social networks like Pinterest, more and more lonely, sex-starved housewives are making stuff out of thread, spit and clothes hangers. Instead of crying about not being able to hear Detective Calleigh Duquesne’s annoying southern belle accent ever again (PRAISE JESUS!), go knit something. Now that you’re freed from the shackles of television, make something. Remember: You aren’t just a consumer; you’re a creator!
Oh, for Christ’s sake.
Start a ‘Bring Back CSI: Miami‘ social media movement.
Just because CBS has said its cancelling CSI: Miami doesn’t mean it won’t be on again next season. Remember a little show called Jericho? No? It was about the residents of Jericho, Kansas, after a massive nuclear attack on the United States. Skeet Ulrich was in it. Come on! Skee F*$%ing Ulrich!
Let me see you get low. You know, like Jericho’s ratings.
When Jericho was canceled, it’s hardcore fan base went ballistic and sent CBS executives 25 tons of peanuts, a reference to some stupid plot point on the show. All of this geek pressure convinced CBS to give Jericho one more chance with an additional abbreviated season. It still failed, because tons of peanuts couldn’t convince the show’s writers to not suck.
Incidentally, most of the peanut orders were coordinated by Jeffrey Braverman and his site nutsonline.com. Whatever you do, DO NOT go to nutsonline.net, but I bet you can imagine what’s there.
Surely there are some batshit insane CSI: Miami fans out there who could launch an online campaign to send CBS executives something related to the show. The obvious thing to send would be sunglasses, but where could we possibly get that many pairs of shades?
Well, I guess it’s a start.
*If scientists actually said this, I didn’t see it. I don’t research or cite sources.