Now that Mother’s Day — that soul-sucking holiday created by greeting card companies to sell whorish perfume and edible underpants — is over, it’s time to focus on the most wonderful time of the year… Father’s Day Season!
That’s right. It’s time to haul out the Bacon-Infused Vodka and deck the halls with pornography because Father’s Day is just around the corner. In fact, I already dusted off my handmade Father’s Day advent calendar, featuring images from the Die Hard film series.
When you get to Reginald VelJohnson, you know the special day has arrived!
The most exciting thing for me about Father’s Day season is the music. As soon as Mother’s Day is over, I start annoying my coworkers with Father’s Day carols. Given my excitement this year as my fourth Father’s Day approaches, I thought it would be fun to post a listing of my favorite Father’s Day songs to get you and yours in the festive mood.
5. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen Until Noon After 24 Straight Hours of Playing Call of Duty: Black Ops
When this one was released as a free MP3 download alongside a case of Mountain Dew: Code Heart Burst, the special edition drink targeted toward video gamers, I downplayed it as a marketing gimmick. I now see the error of my ways, as it has quickly become one of my all-time favorite Dad’s Day tunes.
“Oh, you need your diaper changed, huh? Well, it’s going to have to wait, because your dad has just been challenged by some Heihachi wannabe.”
4. Where the F&*% Are My Cufflinks?
This one always gets pegged as a carol for elitists, because no one but wealthy people really wear cufflinks. But really, nothing gives me goosebumps like when Ruben Studdard sings, “Oh, you’re crying? I swear to God, if I don’t find them, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Studdard’s career may have taken a downward turn since his American Idol fame, but I can’t imagine anyone else singing this one.
“Dear Lord, I come to you on bended knee as your humble servant to ask you for — What? Who am I? It’s Ruben. Ruben Studdard. What do you mean you don’t remember me?”
3. Whose Child Is This?
This song is especially touching for anyone who’s ever looked at their child and thought, “My wife and I are both white, so why is my daughter black? Eh, I’m just being silly. My wife loves me. I’ll give her a big hug after she gets home from her personal training session. She always smells good when she gets home… like Red Bull and sperm. That’s not weird, right?”
Well, at least you still have your dignity. And reruns of Barney Miller.
2. You’d Drink Too If You Were Your Son
I don’t like every version of this song, because I find most of them to be way too slow. Harry Connick, Jr.’s cover, though, is an up-tempo, swinging New Orleans party. Nobody sings the holiday hits like HCJ!
The album cover was a little harsh, but this is the quintessential Father’s Day album. By the way, what does “quintessential” mean?
1. Your Mother Wasn’t Always a Bitch
The best holiday songs always inject a bit of nostalgia. This song, originally performed by The Ray Conniff Singers, tells the story of a woman who has been beaten down by years of disrespect from her children and stupidity from her husband. She’s basically had to completely lose all sense of herself in order to make sure her loved ones don’t kill someone/themselves or burn the house down while trying to perform the simplest tasks. But it’s told from the husband’s point of view, which is incredible and poignant, because who gives a rat’s ass about mom’s feelings, right?
“This here is called a record, Mr. Conniff. Each side will hold about 20 minutes of your crap that makes people want to kill themselves.”
Well, that rounds out my favorite Father’s Day carols. What are your favorite Father’s Day songs, gifts or traditions? Leave it in the comments!