RoundTable Thursday : The Avengers & Phone Hacking

Welcome to another RoudTable Thursday! The only round table discussion that features the writers of Act Classy that you can find on Thursdays on this site. I’ll be your moderator, Joseph “Spatula” Lyons, and we hope that you enjoy this glimpse into the creative process of the beautiful minds that are the folks at Act Classy.

Just before our RoundTable Thursday where we activate our Act Classy decoder rings.

JOE LYONS – Table? Check. Roundness? Check. Thursday? Affirmative. ROUNDTABLETHURSDAYAWESOMESUPERGO!

The Avengers has debuted and it is the best thing since sliced bread, mainly because it has made enough money to buy up all of the sliced bread in the world. It turns out that you are Hawkeye, the Avenging Archer and master of the bow and arrow. What would be the one crazy arrow you would bring to every battle? What would it do? Keep in mind, there is no arrow that can remedy how bad the Hulk smells.

Just before he activated his “shave my armpits” arrow…

JIVE TURKEY – OK, so, I don’t know much about The Avengers except that Brad has already seen it twice and I can tell he’s thinking about changing our daughter’s name to Thor. The only Hawkeye I’m familiar with was from M*A*S*H* (which I thought was a scary drama when I was little because of all the grainy film and helicopters), so I’m guessing the Hawkeye you’re referencing has super cool magic arrows that, like, make people do things and whatnot. If that is the case, I’d bring an arrow that makes Mark Ruffalo go away. He gives me the creeps.


FRED BETZNER – Arrows….hmmm. What is an arrow…long shaft, with a slightly wider tip…meant to penetrate what it is aimed at. What crazy thing could it do? What humorous thing could a trick…arrow…do? Uhhhhhhh, I don’t know. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How about one where when you shoot it it unfolds in midair into a table set with a 4 course meal and a Bananas Foster Chef. Yes I want that!

I’m on to you, Betzner…

MOLLY MARTIN – I want a magical arrow that erases the knowledge that Gayle doesn’t understand that Mark Ruffalo is white hot.

If I can have a second magical arrow it would be the kind that shoots all the way over to the D.C. universe and attaches a zipline so I can travel to a land where the superheroes are born of SCIENCE.

He just remembered that he has seen Meg Ryan naked…

Like Superman and Green Lantern and Zatanna and Hawkman and Aquaman and Martian Manhunter and Wonder Woman?

Zatanna = SCIENCE!!!

BRAD STEPHENSON – If I were Hawkeye, I’d want a magic arrow that travels through time and space and erases the existence of Vibe. The superhero… not the magazine. I’m not being racist here.

Superpower: The ability to make enemies vomit with a nip slip or a pube peek.

Erasing the existence of a Latino superhero whose real name is Paco Ramone isn’t racist?

Dear Fred:

Martian Manhunter is twice the man Silver Surfer will ever be.


PS Fred: Wonder Woman is from the Amazon which is science-y and real.


At least the Silver Surfer is not kidding himself and has opted not to go into battle wearing panties and suspenders. You’re not fooling us Martian Manhunter. We know you’ve got nothing down there.

Definitely dressed for crime fighting.

Nothing except science. In his pants.




Although I would like to see Martian Manhunter hunt himself. And Silver Surfer sing a duet with Surfin’ Bird.


Fred. haven’t you heard…


Back to the topic at hand here, people. Yes, Scarlett Johansson’s butt looks FANTASTIC in The Avengers.




Johansson’s butt actually gets third billing if you look at the credits. I think the point we’re all trying to get at here is that DC is dumb. Make Mine Marvel.

You’re all getting No-Prizes, bitches!

Speaking of butts, SECOND TOPIC! You’ve just downloaded an app that lets you hack any celebrity’s phone. Who do you hack and what do you expect to find on there?

My passcode is 80085… hehehehe….

Without question, I hack Rip Torn’s phone, expecting a hail of confetti only to remember that I meant to hack Rip Taylor’s phone.

Who wants to drink Drano?!

I hack Eric Stoltz’s phone just to lift his spirits and make him think he’s still relevant. He’s been seriously depressed ever since Mask, you guys.

Silently, Laura Dern prays for a velociraptor attack…

I hack Kevin Federline’s phone to find out if the Twitter rumors that he’s dead are true.

Coldstone Creamery fo’ LIFE!

Fascinating. Personally, I would hack into James Cameron’s phone, find all of the notes and scripts that he’s written, do a find/replace for the word Avatar with the word Terminator, and then be heralded a hero as we enjoy 4 more Terminator movies and not more The Sexy Smurfs of Ferngully movies.

Good job, Arnold.  The only thing that would make this better if it was all computer generated and if there was some magic horse you had to have sex with so that you were able to ride it…sigh…someday…

FINAL QUESTION!!! Flying cars or travelling around in pneumatic tubes?


TUBES! Like at the bank! Because then we could all be safely delivered to our respective destinations with a delightful Dum-Dum lollipop.

And from that day forward, the world was a better place.

My therapist says that emerging from tubes can be very healing and reduce the pain from the trauma of being a freak lab-baby with no mother. So tubes then.

They should totally start a band…

Gayle stole my answer so I’m hopping in my tube and going home.


The last time I got inside any kind of futuristic craft I ended up shrunk and injected into Marty Short’s rectum. Plus, my traveling companion was Dennis Quaid. Granted, better than Randy, but still… no thanks. I’ll walk.

The exact moment of entry.

Well there you have it!  Another successful RoundTable Thursday if I say so myself and I do say so.  I say so all of the time.  What about you folks?  What crazy Hawkeye arrow would you use?  What Celeb would you hack the crap out of?  Does no one want a flying car?!  Post your revelations in the comments box below!

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