Welcome to another edition of Act Classy’s Roundtable Thursday, which features our writers discussing meaningless topics… usually while intoxicated or high on model glue. This week, our team pondered Facebook going public, the end of CSI: Miami, and 80s dating videos.
RoundTable Thursday starts… NOW!
“ENGA—ARGHGKKKGGGGRLLSSL!”
JOE LYONS: There was a website that had a table and Round-o was it’s name-O! POINT OF DISCUSSION! Facebook is about to go public and you’ve been given an implausible amount of money to become a majority shareholder. What are the primary changes that you make to the social networking site?
JIVE TURKEY: Hire some nerds to create a fancy filtering software that allows all of your profanity-riddled status updates to appear as “I have the best Mom in the world! So blessed!” in your mother’s feed. Better yet, find out a way to block all mothers of adults over 18 from accessing Facebook altogether. They have no business on there. FIND ANOTHER WAY TO DISTRACT YOURSELF FROM PERI-MENOPAUSE, MOM.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’d add a piece of code that exterminates anyone who disagrees with my Facebook status updates. I mean, anyone who doesn’t think Joey Fatone is the most talented triple-threat of our generation doesn’t deserve to be alive.
BOOM! You’re infertile.
MOLLY MARTIN: Without a doubt I would invent a passive-aggressive status generator. How much money would it take to randomly assign: “Is so disappointed.” “Knows people don’t change.” “DONE. Done. Done.”? Would I have enough left over to levy fines against people who tag unflattering photos [because I am 14 years old].
FRED BETZNER: Well, my dream would be to scientifically identify how to best change the site in a way that literally everyone who uses it hates to the core of their beings and then do that over and over again. Of course, they seem to have that pretty well covered as it is, so I guess…the ability to make my profile glittery!
BRAD STEPHENSON: I think I’d change the site so every annoying complaint registered by idiot users who are getting a pretty amazing online tool for ABSOLUTELY FREE is acknowledged and addressed immediately, because YOU KNOW BEST, RIGHT FRED?!!! (Mark Zuckerberg is my cousin.)
MOLLY KARRASCH: I would immediately add a “dislike” button. Research showed 87% of Facebook users have commented some horrible version of: “Where’s the “dislike” button?! LOL!” It’s here, lame-asses. Want to anonymously “dislike” something? It costs one penny. The money raised will be used to eradicate actual physical pennies. After a few short weeks I can no longer pay attention to my Facebook projects because the negativity I’ve brought into the world with the “dislike” button has karmically manifested itself into an evil compulsion to rid the world of all coinage.
JOE LYONS: Personally, I would bring back the “Poke” system to Facebook, but instead of it being an annoying reminder that you’re not being annoying enough online, it would actually cause a robotic hand to spring out of your computer and jab you in the throat. That’ll teach you for leaving a snarky comment on my post about how much I love Fresca!!!
SECOND TOPIC!!! It looks like CSI: Miami is retiring…presumably in Miami. Now that David Caruso and his sunglasses are out of work, what other TV show should get a Miami spin-off featuring the actor?
BRAD STEPHENSON: Jersey Shore: Miami. It would basically be a show where the Jersey shore is literally torn from the United States and dropped on Miami, eliminating everyone in those two locations, including David Caruso. We’ll need to make sure he’s in one of those places before the digging begins.
FRED BETZNER: Law & Order CSI: New York, Miami: Sunny Justice. David Caruso is severely injured in an explosion at a Sunglass Hut and suffers from retrograde amnesia. Upon revival, he imprints on the first person he sees, Gary Sinese, and becomes convinced that they are the same person. Only the comic stylings of Ice-T and Richard Belzer can keep these two focused and working on solving the rapiest crimes in all New York: rape crime.
Belzer + Rape = End of Days
JIVE TURKEY: The world needs a revived version of Golden Palace, the Miami-based Golden Girls spin-off that… happened once. Of course, Betty White is the only surviving Golden Girl, so David Caruso would need to fill in the blanks. Perhaps as Rose’s long-lost Norwegian gay son? Perhaps.
MOLLY MARTIN: American Horror Story: Miami. Only because I really need an hour of TV in which Betty White murders David Caruso in a wash of blood and quips and I hear from JT that Golden Palace is coming back. Two birds. One stone.
Wasn’t Don Cheadle on Golden Palace? Whom does he murder?
MOLLY KARRASCH: Saved By The Bell: Miami. David Caruso spends 40 minutes removing and replacing his sunglasses while looking at Lark Voorhies’ new face from different angles. For once in his smart life, he seems at a loss for words, except at the end of each episode when he always whispers, “What happened?” and then sobs silently and violently while the credits start to roll.
SCREECH!!!
JOE LYONS: All fantastically solid pitches. Personally, I’m going with Family Matters: Miami where Carl Winslow and his reluctant partner Urkle are transferred down to Miami where they investigate murders under David Caruso’s orders.
Carl: Damn it chief, I can’t work this case. I’m going on a lunch run.
Urkle: We’ll get your sandwich on our way back from the crime scene, boss. What do you want?
{PUTS ON SUNGLASSES}
David Caruso: Got any cheese?
BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Final issue! Watch this:
Ladies, which one of these guys do you date? Fellas, which one do you gay marry?
BRAD STEPHENSON: This is like that game, Marry, F&*%, Kill, right?
I’d marry the cigarette hater (so I could take up smoking and annoy him), kill the guy who says “no fatties” (what an asshole), and f&*% the viking (duh).
MOLLY MARTIN: I’d like to make it my signature move to comment only on those things I don’t watch or read. And with that I’d like to buy a vowel. Oh, and I’d totally eff the “no fatties” guy just to punish him.
JIVE TURKEY: Are you bitches crazy? Monroe FTW! Everyone knows dudes named Monroe know how to satisfy women. And by women, I mean sweat socks.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Whoa, whoa, whoa, JT! That one was a little … too close for comfort.
FRED BETZNER: Sweat socks are notoriously difficult to please, OK?! I can’t count the number I’ve known over the years who wouldn’t return my phone calls!
BRAD STEPHENSON: That’s it for this week’s edition of RoundTable Thursday! Please continue the discussion in the comments section below.
By the way, shall we close with a reminder that there was a very special episode of Too Close for Comfort about two women who rape Monroe in the back of a van? Don’t believe me? Watch as a laugh track plays during his account of the sexual assault.
Good. God. No matter how much we try to remember good things, the 80s keep getting worse.