Everyone at Act Classy is incredibly health conscious. With the exception of our new copy editor, Grimace.
To his credit, he gets so much tail.
It just isn’t enough for Act Classy to be hilarious by calling random people and terrifying them or by offering horribly ill-advised advice. We also need to guide our readers along the pathway of happiness that comes from good health. But let’s be clear… this isn’t about looking good to impress others. This is about feeling good and being happy in your own skin.
Or someone else’s skin… if you’re into that.
I know what you’re thinking. “How do I immediately donate money to this site?” You can donate money to Act Classy by visiting our support page, of course. Here is a handy equation to determine how much to give us: Whatever you gave the Red Cross last year… multiply that times four and add a 0. If you didn’t give to the Red Cross, simply multiply your age by 10, divide by 2 and add two 0s. Go ahead and donate. I’ll just practice some extreme meditation while I wait.
“OmmmmmmmmmmMyGod this is high. Why am I wearing jeans?!”
Good, you’ve given us all the money your elderly mother was saving to pay for quality nursing care. We appreciate your support, and we’ll help you lose her in the woods somewhere. It’s for the best.
Now, you’re probably also thinking, “Why is Brad qualified to talk to me about my health?” Because, you fool, I just ran a half-marathon and am now empowered to get preachy and act better than you, so shut up and take it, you worm. You pathetic nothing. You princes of Maine. You kings of New England.
We can huff things here? The cider house RULES!
Running is a fantastic way to stay fit, strengthen your body, mind and spirit, and get away from tiny trolls with curvy knives that try to steal your breath. Before you lace up those sneakers, though, I’d like to offer a few tips for running a marathon.
1. Carb Load: When selecting what to eat the day before a long run, it’s important to look for foods that are high in carb, which is short for carbonite. So Han Solo Carbonite Chocolates are the perfect choice for a pre-race meal. Eat at least a dozen.
I’m anxiously awaiting the Regarding Henry Very Berry Brain Bullets.
2. No Sex: This one’s just for men. Men, no sex the day before a race. During intercourse, women steal your essence and abilities.
Little Known Fact: Poseidon was a virgin. The Titanic crashed into his swollen blue testicles.
3. Lots of Sex: This one’s just for the ladies. Ladies, have LOTS of sex the day before a race. During intercourse, you can steal a man’s essence. Use his power to run faster and farther.
4. Drink Fluids: Not hobo pee. All fluids are not healthy. Learned this one the hard way last year.
“Get on in there, fella’, and take a swig. Just pretend it’s Capri Sun.”
5. Prep Your Playlist: Many runners frown against the use of headphones during a race because they claim it can be dangerous to others if you can’t hear what is going on around you. Runners who say things like this are pussies. Trip them during the race and take their water bottles. The right selection of music can really give a runner the boost he or she (but mostly he, because women aren’t good at things like sports) needs to get through those difficult miles.
“SIRI! PLAY ANYTHING BY LMFAO!”
6. Use Your Movements: Look, no one likes to poop their pants while running a marathon, but this is one of the brutal realities of long-distance running. If there’s one thing a little video game called Spy Hunter taught me, it’s that leaving pools of slippery stuff in your wake can cause real problems for people behind you. You can eliminate some of your competitors while eliminating bodily waste. In Spy Hunter, it was an oil slick. In competitive marathon running, it’s a puddle of partially digested Han Solo chocolate bars from the night before.
For added intimidation, be sure to scream the Peter Gunn theme while this is happening.
7. Have fun: Above all else, remember, sports are fun. So do your best and have a blast out there!
His nipples look like the walls of a haunted house.