A (More or Less) Safe for Work Look at the World of Superhero Porn

It was recently announced that pornographic film director Axel Braun and Vivid Superheros will be releasing a Batman themed film called The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody. Why they didn’t go for the obvious erection pun and just call it The Dark Knight Rises XXX is beyond me, but anyway, here’s the trailer. Don’t worry, it contains nothing sexy beyond a suggestive gaze, and aside from the fact that it’s called “A Porn Parody,” there’s virtually no indication that there will be any actual sex going on. It does, however, sport surprisingly high production value and several nods to the comic book history of the character.

Braun, whose previous works include The Avengers XXX and Star Wars XXX (these trailers, again, contain virtually nothing sex-related), has directed over 400 adult films and was inducted into the Adult Video News Hall of Fame in 2011. His original Batman parody was named the top-selling and top-rented adult film in 2010. But he’s not resting on his laurels, and will not stop until he has captured every superhero ever created boning on film. Here is a brief look at a few of his next 765 superhero porn movies currently in pre-production.

Superman: The Man of Steel

Superman has finally met his match when the evil Kryptonian robot war criminal Seductron arrives on Earth with the ability to produce pheromones matched to any man’s genetic code. She has boobs of infinite jiggle and legs that go all the way into the upper atmosphere. Superman must defeat her by turning her own powers against her in a super sexy sexing scene on THE MOON!

How does it end? Superman bangs her until smoke comes out her ears, Superman has a cigarette in space, and Axel Braun is crushed under the weight of one million fan-boy complaint letters regarding fire in a vacuum.

Wolverpeen

When gruff X-Man Wolverine is finally re-captured by the Weapon XXX program, they waste no time in neutralizing him as a threat. Logan awakes to find himself reborn as Wolverpeen, his adamantium claws replaced with foot-long latex dildos. Without his signature weapons, Wolverpeen is forced to work in adult films where he is billed as the seven-cocked wonder. He goes on as he always has: stoic and generally grumpy. But whenever he is forced to bury his claws in another comely lass, it hurts every time.

How does it end? After realizing that all Weapon XXX did was put the dildos over his claws, he confronts Stryker, the program’s director. They were running out of money and the only way they could make ends meet was to start making hot sexy porn with sex in it. He punches Stryker real hard and says something pithy and awesome then he walks away ‘cuz he’s that flippin’ cool.

Spider-Man: Thwip Thwip Thwat

After the death of his girlfriend Gwen Stacey, a depressed Peter Parker embarks on a self-destructive binge of prescription drugs, alcohol, and cheap women. Ultimately, he finds a soul as lost as he is and they form a deep connection, albeit one based on mutual sadness that slowly begins to take them over, in many ways rewriting their personalities in the language of pain. Sex becomes a mirror of the central metaphor of their lives: sad and alone, as far away and yet as close as two people can get.

How does it end? After 2.5 hours of soul searching and depressing (and not remotely erotic) sex, we find out that Spider-Man’s broken soul-mate is actually Mysterio in disguise, and he and Spider-Man have an epic final battle on top of the fake Eiffel Tower in Las Vegas. Then Spider-Man drinks himself to death.

Captain America and The Falcon: Time to Punch the Donuts

Uh, well it’s all in the title, really.

How does it end? As it began: in the butt.

Wonder Woman: Lasso of Truth or Dare

This film presents a new origin story for Wonder Woman, who–in order to pass the Amazonian ritual that ushers one into womanhood–must travel to America and play Truth or Dare with 100 men. She must find only one of them to choose Truth on their first turn, but for any and all who choose Dare she must respond, “Totally bone me!” and then the boning shall commence. If she fails, she is stripped of her powers and has to wait tables in the Amazonian Commissary for all eternity.

How does it end? After 99 sessions of getting totally boned, Wonder Woman finally meets Superman (played by Ryan Gosling), who responds, “Hey girl. The truth is you look tired. I see you got bullet proof bracelets on; I hope you don’t have anything that can deflect a relaxing Swedish Massage!”

“Hey girl, it’s just me, Clark Kent, in an olde tyme men’s bathing suit and a sports jacket. Come over here and let’s cuddle.”

Really I could go on, but they’re pretty much all the same variation on lots of “it” being done followed by surprisingly good superhero costumes and then more of the doing of “it.” All coming soon to your very confused parents’ living room!

So… at the risk of you killing the Internet by revealing your sick obsessions, what superhero porn would you like to see? Let us know in the comments.

Fred Betzner

Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.

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