RoundTable Thursday Engines…ACTIVATE!
Sorry. We always confuse our butts for jetpacks.
JOE LYONS: Topic! A naked man in Florida was recently shot to death by police after he was caught EATING THE FACE OF ANOTHER MAN WHILE GROWLING. The zombie apocalypse is upon us. You can put a zombie survival kit together that contains only three items. Which items do you choose and why?
JIVE TURKEY: A machete (because, as I understand it, cutting the head off a zombie is the only way to kill it), a gun (to shoot myself in the head before the zombies inevitably eat me because who am I kidding — I can’t even squash a spider, there is no way I’m capable of beheading a zombie), and a bag of Fritos (because, goddammit, I love Fritos, and I’ll be damned if I don’t get to eat a whole bag by myself before I die).
MOLLY MARTIN: I don’t need to take any snacks because I’m full o’ face.
But I might want a rodeo clown to distract the zombies.
FRED BETZNER: I only need one: Magic Lamp with Genie. BOOM!
Wish 1: Get rid of all zombies in a way that ensures they can never return.
Wish 2: An everlasting mountain of weed.
Wish 3: A Zombie shaped bong.
You’re welcome survivors! PARTY AT MY PLACE!
Uh, yea. Great party, Fred.
BRAD STEPHENSON: My kit would include the following:
1. My autographed photo of Raven-Symoné.
2. My Raven-Symoné coffee mug.
3. Raven-Symoné.
As Raven-Symoné is inevitably being eaten (and because I packed horribly for survival), I imagine trying to yell, “That’s SO Raven!” but having my vocal cords bitten out just before I’m able to complete my sentence.
I know, Raven. I know. I’m so sorry.
JOE LYONS: Fascinating. My plan is identical, except instead of Raven-Symoné I would have used Keshia Knight-Pulliam, and instead of screaming “That’s so Raven,” I’d shout “JUST EAT RUDY FIRST!!!”
Speaking of TV Kids, the world has now ended and you’ve been Left Behind. The only ones left are you and Kirk Cameron. What do you do?!
FRED BETZNER: Well, since we are both dudes and cannot procreate, the human race is at an end. Faced with the prospect of spending the rest of my life with him, I think I’d ask if he had any funny stories about Alan Thicke, and then once those ran out I imagine I’d beat him to death with The Origin of Species while he was praying for our survival. Then I’d track down a library and try to catch up on back issues of Mad Magazine and wait to die.
JIVE TURKEY: I open a bottle of wine for us both, then sit there listening calmly and attentively when he inevitably finds the courage to come out of the closet. Should take about 20 minutes, total.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’d talk non-stop about things that don’t fit perfectly in your hand in an attempt to discredit his theories about God’s existence and drive him to suicide.
No, no, sicko, it’s not what you’re thinking. He’s talking about his penis.
JOE LYONS: You’re all making this so much harder on yourself. You just kick him with all of your might in his Growing Pains and then ZING you immediately get zapped up to heaven for doing the last good deed that needs done on the planet.
Final question. Sci Fi channel has given you $38 to come up with the next monster for their dreadful direct-to-TV movies. What animal-hybrid-monster do you create?!
JIVE TURKEY: Well, thanks to all our previous conversations, all I can think about for this is using former sitcom stars. I’d make a hybrid Raven-Symoné/actual raven. That’s so CAWW!
BRAD STEPHENSON: Well, first of all, I think you mean SyFy. Their branding team didn’t spend countless seconds coming up with that only for you to get it wrong at our RoundTable, Joe.
Second, I would mashup Teeth, the movie about the chick with vaginal chompers, and Piranha 3D. My hybrid creature movie would be called Vaganha 3D, and would be about biting vaginas that climb up toilets and attack dudes’ ball sacks.
FRED BETZNER: To counter the horror of The Vaganha, Scottish Scientists will unleash the Cock-Ness Monster upon the world. In the end, they fall in love and the sun sets as they walk through Central Park, leaving a trail of decimated crotches in their wake.
JOE LYONS: Koalasaurus Fart.
I’ve got a 1,500-page screenplay ready to go.
Eats, Shoots and Leaves… Your City in Ruins.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Why aren’t we all tenured faculty at Ivy League universities already?
Well, it may not be the end of the world, but it is the end of another RoundTable Thursday. Continue the discussion of any of our RoundTable topics in the comments below! Help us make our table even… rounder?