The Worst Things Old People Wear That Aren’t Protective Undergarments

Fact: Old people wear weird clothes. This is not new information. They do this largely for two reasons:

1. They are the product of a bygone era. Instead of looking around once in a while to see what people born after 1930 are wearing, they simply continue to cling to the fashions of the last date they can recall having a normal bowel movement.

“Alas, Thorayden, I remember my last poo well. The dragons still ruled the skies.”

2. Their bodies are falling apart and rejecting standard cultural trends.

Old Woman

I feel like you could make a delicious tea out of her face.

It’s scientific fact that when we get old, we can’t hear anything but everything is loud, we can’t walk but it hurts to sit still, and we get offended by everything but have no sense of what might be offensive to others. This is all due to the degradation of the human body. To counteract this process, medical supply companies have developed some truly horrible clothing products designed to make the elderly more comfortable while making everyone around them extremely uncomfortable.

Two questions for Bil Keane. 1) Why did grandma have to die and come back as ghost? 2) What happened to the second ‘L’ in your name? Weirdo.

In a short time, Act Classy has become one of the leading online providers of terrible advice (just ask Professor Classypants). In an effort to assist our senior citizen community, at the sake of offending Act Classy’s entire over-70 audience, I present a few of the worst things old people wear.

Orthopedic Shoes

Look, I understand that when you get old it hurts to walk, stand, bend, smile, frown, blink, breathe, touch, love, etc. I just need you to know, old people, that the sight of an orthopedic shoe activates my gag reflex. I guess it’s a combination of the chunkiness and height that does it. To make matters worse, many orthopedic shoes have Velcro straps because old people fingers are as fragile and useless as caramelized sugar garnish.

You wear sexy shoes like that, grandma, you’re gonna’ need that extra depth. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Oh, I’m sorry. Did my nudge just cause a bruise that will never heal?

The only thing worse than orthopedic shoes are (bracing myself to type this) orthopedic sandals. If your feet and toes are too twisted and blackened to function properly in a standard shoe, that is not your cue to present them to the world via a nasty thick-soled sandal.

“I told you. It’s an archaeologist vest. Not a fishing v– OHMYGODTHOSEFEETAREGROSS!”

Also, it should be noted that while I was searching for orthopedic shoe images, I stumbled across some photos of leg braces constructed for some sort of sexual fetish practice.

If you feel anything in your swimsuit area when looking at this image other than the agonizing death of your reproductive organs, move to a secluded forest.

Red Hats

Just because you’re old, have no friends and your children won’t speak to you doesn’t mean you have to wear a ridiculous hat to have a social life.

“There is nothing under these feathers… except decay and regret.”

The Red Hat Society, the global women’s group designed to piss me off on the reg, offers old ladies some fun activities with other old ladies. This is perfectly fine, but there is no need for the hats. If you want to prove that you can still be wild after age 60, get your grandkids’ portraits tattooed on your ass or something.

Never mind! NEVER MIND!!!

Honestly, nothing is as infuriating as when I am sitting in a theater waiting for a movie to start and a gaggle of Red Hat bitches fills the row in front of me. Why am I at a matinee showing of the 3D re-release of About Schmidt? Maybe that’s my business, you ever think of that?!

Note: You must wear 3D glasses to properly vomit into your hands.

Eye Doctor Sunglasses as Regular Sunglasses

What the hell, old people? When you leave the eye doctor, they aren’t giving you free sunglasses as a way to thank you for your patronage. Those are to shield your decrepit dilated pupils long enough for you to swerve your giant car home.

The Guatemalan version of my mother. In fact, my mom owns that shirt. And wait… the woman in the background is wearing eye doctor sunglasses, too. Are they fashionable in Guatemala?

Whatever the Hell This Is

What is happening here? I know that the ability to hear is a miracle, but it’s not worth this.

Did she just get home from the vet?

Brad Stephenson

Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including and Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.

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