RoundTable Thursday : Hunger Games and Charles Manson

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Act Classy’s RoundTable Thursday. I’m Joe Lyons, international Playboy… subscription holder…and self-proclaimed Micronaut, and I will be your moderator for the RoundTable Thursday proceedings. Every week on RoundTable Thursday, I pose a series of questions to the contributing writers of Act Classy (the website that you are currently reading) and I share the results with the world. Have topics you want us to discuss? Then please share them with us and quit lurking over there in the corner. Let’s begin…

Our discussions usually look like this, but far more dorky…


JOE LYONS – Topic! The Hunger Games is a thing that is currently popular. It is the story of a bunch of teens that have to fight to the death in order to see who gets to live and go on to wear the stupidest clothing. My question to you is this – If you were forced to participate in The Hunger Games, which TV show cast would you like to have as part of your alliance? Which TV show cast would you not mind murdering? SHOW YOUR WORK.

JIVE TURKEY – Hm. Well, I’d like to know whether we’re able to do anything else to/with them before we murder them. Because I’d like to hang out with the Facts of Life cast, be accepted as one of their own, maybe be comforted by Mrs. Garrett’s giant bosom once or twice, then slaughter them execution style. I want Tootie to be looking at me while I do it.

(Seriously, though, if we’re just talking murder, I’d want to waste all those asshats from Glee.)

Hear that? That’s the sound of 4,000 crossbows being fired.

FRED BETZNER – Well, my first instinct was to align myself with the cast of Lost due to, of course, their every-day struggle to survive on an island and to keep up with all the time travel stuff in season 5. HOWEVER, this would be foolish since I would stand no chance against any of them once the time came to start murdering each other.

The victims are easy: the cast from any season of Rock of Love, or Flavor of Love, or the one with Tila Tequila.

Now, who could I inspire as a leader to take up arms against these lovelorn hussies. Oooo, ok, Step 1 dress up as Oprah, Step 2 take Oprah’s audience to the Hunger Games, Step 3 tell them they’re all getting cars and muffins if they kill the other players, Step 4 watch the unspeakable carnage, Step 5 poison the muffins.


Unfortunately, Fred’s costume is “1986 Oprah”…

BRAD STEPHENSON – One would think that forming an alliance with the cast of Game of Thrones would be the way to go here, but those bastards are cutthroats and would lop off my head as soon as they thought it would be advantageous. Also, I could not stand to be around Varys for any stretch of time.

I honestly think I’d go with the cast of Parks and Rec for my Hunger Games team. For one thing, you know Ron Swanson would have the survival skills necessary to win it all. Also, I figure that hanging out with a sitcom cast will make it virtually impossible for any of us to get slaughtered. That rarely happens in sitcoms. Unless, of course, this is one of those very special jump-the-shark episodes in which the cast of ‘Parks and Rec’ is slaughtered in the Hunger Games. Oh God… back to the drawing board…

Who would I love to murder in the Games? Does it have to be a fictional thing, or can I just say any show that Guy Fieri is on? I would murder him, and then me and Ron Swanson would eat him. His flip flops would be a little tough, but his flesh is definitely tender and butter-flavored. I’d make Andy Dwyer eat the taint, and we’d all laugh and laugh…

The face that one makes as that part of your anatomy is removed.

Fascinating thoughts, but you’re all wrong. You team up with the Golden Girls, deny them their medication so they go into a murderous frenzy and then they’ll just die of exposure as soon as the temperature dips below 68 degrees. You go up against the Duggars because they’ll turn on their parents and then each other the second you put weapons in their hands.


They’re all holding switchblades behind their backs.

ITEM! Apple is about to be slapped with an anti-trust lawsuit by the US Government. When the hipsters start a 1,000 year blood war with the United States, what weapon will you use in order to defend yourself from the insane American Apparel clad masses?

In one hand, I will wield a sword forged of Starbucks cups and Coldplay albums. In the other hand will be a handlebar mustache trimmer. My battle crest will be a picture of a car not giving a cyclist at least 4 feet of street space.


He found this bike in the basement of the Alamo.

Pulverized iPad dust.

The razing of Apple’s Cupertino headquarters in 2018 will force the company to relocate to their orbiting space conference center, they thereafter stop supporting the original 6 iPad designs which cannot be updated over subspace, leaving them to collect in piles in the street. Grinding them into a fine powder and then tossing it into the faces of your enemies cuts them, poisons them, and causes their eyes to collapse and fall from their sockets.


It’s both tragic and deadly.

Clothes from Christopher & Banks. Purchased unironically. At a mall. In the suburbs.

Cruel and unusual.All excellent responses. Personally, I would have gone with fire. Just plain ol’ fire.

FINAL ITEM! Charles Manson will soon be eligible for parole. He makes parole and has been ordered to sleep in your basement until he’s well enough to build his own rocket ship to Crazy Town. What nighttime snack do you make him? What book do you read to lull him to sleep?


We’re talking about Starland Vocal Band’s “White Album”, right?

For a nighttime snack, I’d feed him my neighbor’s whore soul. And at bedtime, I’d read him the classic “Goodnight Moon You Filthy Pig I’m Going To Cut Out Your Heart Now.”


To me the answer is SIMPLE. You feed him the poisoned Oprah muffins that Fred mentioned above and then read him this:


That’s a wrap everyone! Continue the conversation in the comments! Who would you take into the Hunger Games? What would you feed Charlie Manson?

Also, have questions for our next RoundTable Thursday? Submit them already!!!

Joe Lyons

Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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