In 1972, a crack discussion group was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These people promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Pittsburgh underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as bloggers of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else is there to make fun of it, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… ROUNDTABLE THURSDAY!
If not for the shaved idiot and badges that say “A-Team,” no one would ever get it.
JOE LYONS: First Question! It’s graduation season and you’ve been asked to give a commencement speech to a room full of 3rd graders. What nuggets of wisdom do you impart upon them?
FRED BETZNER: Do 3rd graders understand social norms and how to behave in a civilized manner? If not I would teach them a lesson I learned the hard way: a school bus, no matter how many windows are open, has very poor ventilation, and no matter how uncomfortable your butt feels no amount of relief is worth the social stigma you will suffer if you let go of those school lunch taco farts. Vomiting domino effects can and DO happen!
JIVE TURKEY: I would tell them to get a jump start on learning their middle-school-grade crude slang. They still have a few good years before everyone starts getting boobs and boners, but I am here to tell you that not understanding the term “blow job” (I thought it had something to do with snowblowers…?) caused me a great deal of confusion and distraction during my 4th grade year. Be in the know, kids! Judy Blume books will only teach you so much!
Little Known Fact: God is Benny Hill.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I would tell them to punch the biggest kid in 4th grade or buy some real pretty lipstick, cause you only survive by being strong or sexy.
I was neither. And now…? Well, let’s just say I use a lot of various kinds of salve.
JOE LYONS: All inspirational points. Personally, I would tell the kids that they should always follow their hearts, listen to their imaginations and, above all else, STAY THE UNHOLY HELL OFF OF MY LAWN!!! GET OFF OF THERE!!!
Second topic! QUICK! John Travolta is (allegedly) trying to give you an adult massage and, for the sake of argument (BRAD), you definitely don’t want one. How do you get out of the room with your decency in tact? Fisticuffs? Dance off? Good old fashioned running?
BRAD STEPHENSON: Easy. Just switch my penis with Nicolas Cage’s penis and let him go to town. That way, it’s not actually me who is getting assaulted. PENIS/OFF!
JIVE TURKEY: I honestly don’t think there is any way to top Brad’s answer. Plus, I wouldn’t have to worry about being assaulted during a Travoltassage because I have a vagina.
JOE LYONS: What if you were being attacked by Kelly Preston (allegedly) in an attempt to get back at her husband?
JIVE TURKEY: Ah, that’s tricky, because the bitch is obviously crazy for 1) having agreed to marry John Travolta and 2) being a Scientologist, and everyone knows that crazy bitches fight the dirtiest. I think my only recourse would be to tie her to a chair and make her watch The Cat in the Hat until her eyes start bleeding, which should take about ten minutes.
MOLLY MARTIN: I would make her watch that movie where Andrew McCarthy dumps her for Helen Hunt. Just because.
BRAD STEPHENSON: As JT’s husband, can I chime in here with a quick BONERIFIC!!!
As opposed to Boner-Horrific.
JOE LYONS: No you may NOT. You still have Nic Cage’s appendage and he’s currently enjoying your marital excitement on an island that is being repossessed by the bank.
MOLLY MARTIN: Yeah, Brad wins. Brad always wins (which, I should note, is what I would tell the graduating third graders as well).
If Brad’s Penis/Off (wait, what?) isn’t an option, then I would opt to only meet Travolta in a plastic bubble, both for safety’s sake and as an homage to his early work.
I’d be in the bubble, he’d be outside the bubble, by the way. Otherwise, things would just get ugly.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Oh dammit. Cage just caught my dick on fire while filming a scene for Ghost Rider 3D.
JOE LYONS: I’m sorry I posed this question in the first place now.
All of you have interesting tactics, but the only way to fight off a Travolta grope-attack is to claim that you are a submarine captain. Since pilots are genetically predisposed to despise submarine captains, he will want nothing to do with you sexually. However he will want to have just a regular old fist fight with you at which point you can shout, “Behind you! Mighty Xenu!” and then punch him in the back of the head when he looks for his beloved alien overlord.
FINAL TOPIC! There’s a new James Bond movie coming out this year and you have been selected as the next Bond girl. Your hilarious and alluring sex pun name is…
FRED BETZNER: Cocktopussy or Dr. Ectom. Dr. Sandy R. Ectom.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Sweaty Bunt. That’s sexy right? No? Let me use it in a quote from the movie: “I seem to have misplaced my tuna melt. Maybe it’s here under Sweaty Bunt.”
There. Now it’s sexy.
MOLLY MARTIN: Clam Handler, seaworthy temptress and expert fisherwoman.
JIVE TURKEY: Honey Vadger. Don’t give a shit.
Brad: “I am suddenly and painfully aroused.“
FRED BETZNER: JT wins everything.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Agreed. I give up.
MOLLY MARTIN: *Taking marbles*
*Going home*
FRED BETZNER: You ruin everything with your awesome.
JOE LYONS: So no one wants to vote for Genevieve Spotte, the cunning linguist for MI-6? FINE!
Jive Turkey wins.
{Flips RoundTable over}
BRAD STEPHENSON: That concludes another edition of Act Classy’s RoundTable Thursday, brought to you this week by Travolt-Off. When you just want to massage a guy who was admittedly very sexy in Urban Cowboy even though you’re not gay but that doesn’t mean you want him to masturbate on or near you, try Travolt-Off. Featuring a unique blend of scents, including Scott Glenn and vaginas.
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Continue the discussion of any of our RoundTable topics in the comments below! Help us make our table even… rounder?