Hey Gang! It’s your pal, Act Classy’s Joe “Carry On My Wayward Son” Lyons. Normally, I post my Act Classy lists on Wednesdays, under strict advisement from my Astrologer.
He keeps insisting that his name is Dr. Faisal Patel and that he’s actually a Cardiologist. He’s a funny Astrologer.
Anyway, this weekend is Father’s Day and all of the Ward Cleavers of the world are due their special day. Now it’s a little known fact (unless we’re friends on Facebook, where it’s a WIDELY known fact) that I am actually a father to another human being. That’s right — you all voted “no” on Prop 413 and I can’t thank you enough for it! His name is Max and, frankly, he’s the bees knees.
That sound you hear is my wife moving out.
So, now that I’m a father and I’m on the dawn of my very first Father’s Day, I thought I’d reflect on the things that I’m going to get to say and do with my son before he inevitably emancipates himself from me. So, in honor of Father’s Day and every dad everywhere, I now proudly present to you the Top 17 Things I Can’t Wait To Do With or Say To My Son!
- 1. Make a tree fort so immense, we’ll be asked to join the UN on a probationary basis.
- 2. Collaborate on at least one science fair project that inadvertently creates life. Monstrous, school-destroying life.
- 3. “You see son, asking someone out on a date is a delicate dance. Have you tried a legal injunction to force them to go to the dance? Yes? Well, then I’ve got nothing.”
- 4. Convince him to take part in my George and Kuato from Total Recall Halloween costume.
- 5. Get him a dog that excels at letting us know if he’s stuck in a well at any given moment.
- 6. Send him off to college. Try to convince self that I don’t need several additional degrees.
- 7. Paint self in his school’s colors. Make the other parents do the wave. Not realize that he’s on the debate team.
- 8. “You can’t have candy for dinner, because Mom won’t let us.”
- 9. I solemnly pledge to be his Alfred should he ever develop super powers.
- 10. Help him with his homework. Gleam with pride when he realizes that he’s better at math than me.
- 11. Everything on list subject to change depending on my homemade Three Stooges marathon paternity test.
- 12. I’ll teach him to ride a bike. He’ll teach me how to ride the hoverboards that WE HAVE BEEN PROMISED!
- 13. Have “the talk” without giggling 83% of the way through it. 62% tops…
- 14. “I know it’s tempting to parachute off the roof, but we need to find a higher platform if it’s going to work.”
- 15. Devise our own style of martial arts. Get matching casts when we break our wrists.
- 16. Take him to his first concert. Pay to have Weird Al resurrected if necessary.
- 17. “AVENGE ME!!!!!!”
From all of us here at Act Classy to all of you dads out there, may your Father’s Day be full of mirth and may you get all of the beer and table saws that you desire. What about our dad readers out there? Any additions to this list of things to do with your son or daughter? Leave them in the comments!