Nah, just kidding. That wasn’t Jay Leno, it was Taylor Hicks, the Alabama native who crooned his way to an American Idol victory at the age of
57 29. If you don’t remember him, you’ll certainly remember his catch phrase/the name of his fan club, “Soul Patrol!”
Of course, Taylor won American Idol six long years ago, and like so many AI alumni, no one gives a good goddamn where he is these days. Although my elderly neighbor did have quite a thing for Taylor (“Hicks Chicks” shirt and everything!), so maybe she cares. Or maybe she’s dead now. I don’t know because I moved away. Point is, it’s looking a little dreary for Taylor in the career department. The most recent rumors around the Internet have him beginning a residency at Bally’s in Las Vegas and appearing as a contestant on a television dating show, which…ugh. I’m sorry, Taylor, but that sounds just awful. You know they’re not going to actually let you sing at Bally’s, right?
Now, because Taylor has obviously moved on from his “Soul Patrol!” days, I feel it’s only right for him to surrender all claim to that perfectly good catch phrase. To further my case, I present to you:
Five New and Improved Uses For “Soul Patrol!” a.k.a. “Taylor, it is time to move on,” a.k.a. “I don’t mean to be harsh, but the sooner I forget about all those weird faces and poses you make, the better.”
- Sole Patrol! It’s about time the world’s most delicious species of flatfish gets the recognition it deserves! This treasure of the sea is about to experience a renaissance thanks to the ingenious marketing possibilities of a “Sole Patrol” spreading the good news. Look for their mascot–sassy Joel Sole–cropping up at grocery store openings and school anti-drug rallies across the nation. Move over, Charlie the Tuna, there’s a new loveable fish in town!
- Soul School Patrol! As people all over Facebook seem to know, this nation is in the middle of a moral and ethical crisis. You only have to look as far as chain emails forwarded from your Aunt Irene to learn that we as a nation have lost our way, and, um, prayer in schools and whatnot. Who better to save our souls from the flames of hell than the fresh-faced cherubs among us — specifically the 6th grade cherubs pulling afternoon patrol duty before going home to eat Totino’s pizza rolls and Sunny D while watching iCarly? You’ll think twice about all that adultery you were about to go do when you’ve got an 11-year-old at your elbow saying, “Um, that’s, like, gross and stuff.”
- Soul Petrol! This one’s for all you fancy folks in England who insist on calling things like gas by the wrong name. With some large initial investments and aggressive marketing, I think Soul Petrol stations would start popping up all over the quaint English countryside. Heck–if that whole Bally’s thing goes south, maybe Taylor could even get a cut of the profits if he lends his image to the franchise. It’s worth a shot, Taylor!
- Soulja Patrol! Internet, it’s come to my attention that rapper Soulja Boy, who is all of 21 years old, might be in need of some patrolling. In his relatively short career, he has been sued, arrested, involved in feuds with Ice-T and the U.S. military (among others), and he recently spent $55 million on private jet. Now, I’m no financial expert, but it seems to me that our young friend might be–how you say?–hurtling towards bankruptcy and foreclosure at a breakneck pace. Cue the Soulja Patrol.
- Seoul Patrol! Have you ever had a crazy neighbor? Well, take that experience, multiply it by 10 million, throw some uranium and horrific human rights violations on it, and now you’re South Korea. It wouldn’t hurt to give their largest city a little extra security every now and then just to make sure the North Koreans aren’t trying to pull any funny business (where “funny business” = “the obliteration of an entire country”). I mean, you know who’s in charge up in North Korea these days, right?
See? Plenty of completely viable ways to recycle “Soul Patrol!” now that Taylor Hicks has…moved on-ish. If only everyone could say the same.