Miracle Whip: What the Hell Is Going On Over There?

I had a friend in high school who once admitted to me that she’d never eaten cream cheese and therefore had no idea what it tasted like. I felt sorry for her because she was obviously being raised by communists, but it was only a few years later that I came to my own frightening food-related realization: there is a difference between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip.

For a full explanation of the varied differences between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip, please view the entire cartoon here.

Yes, I actually spent the first 25 years of my life believing that Miracle Whip was just a brand of mayonnaise instead of a bastardization of mayonnaise. I only realized the difference when I substituted Miracle Whip for mayonnaise in a recipe for dip and, well…

Since then, I’ve come to understand how incredibly superior mayonnaise is to Miracle Whip in every way, and it seems I’ve joined the majority in choosing to no longer assault my tastebuds with…whatever the hell they’re putting in the jars over at Kraft. Why do I think that most people are choosing mayo over Miracle Whip? Well, what else could be making the Miracle Whip people LOSE THEIR DAMN MINDS?

The madness started in 2009, with the horrendous, faux-revolutionary bullshit you see above, in which it is implied that consuming Miracle Whip is some sort of giant middle finger to The Man, when in reality, consuming Miracle Whip is really only a giant middle finger to your colon.

j/k potassium sorbate and enzyme modified egg yolk are totally good for your colon.

After everyone on TV and inside the Internet made fun of Miracle Whip for their lame attempt at badassery through sandwich spread, the ads seemed to fade away and everyone was free to enjoy condiments without fear of a military coup. But then, in 2011,  just as we were all starting to feel safe again…

Am I Miracle Whip? No, sir, I am not and STOP SHOUTING AT ME.

[Full disclosure: when I first came across this image, I thought for sure it was fake (HAM-PUMPING?!), but I really can’t find any evidence to support fakery, so I have to assume this Guy-Fieri-meets-billboard atrocity is real. I’m so very sorry.]

And then, in 2012:


Why, Internet? Why are the Miracle Whip people so hell-bent on getting us all to believe that eating a goddamn condiment is on par with making some sort of edgy statement? Is anyone buying into this? Are there hoards of straight edge teenagers getting Miracle Whip tattoos and gathering in their friends’ basements for ritualistic sandwich-making?

Ah. I did not expect to be right about that.

Do you guys know when and why Miracle Whip even [goblin-]came into existence? DURING THE DEPRESSION. AS A CHEAP ALTERNATIVE TO MAYONNAISE. And since Miracle Whip claims to have the same base ingredients as mayonnaise (egg, soybean oil, water, vinegar) plus extra ones like their “secret” blend of 20+ spices, there is no real way it could be cheaper to produce, and you know what that means. Yep — Miracle Whip was originally manufactured from ground up bits of the Joad family.

MMM…you can really taste the Fonda.

I headed over to Miracle Whip’s website to search for more clues about why they be frontin’, but their site is surprisingly tame. No plans to Whip-bomb politicians, no petitions to stop the tragic over-mayo-fication of our nation’s children, no printable coupons for body piercing. Just boring old Miracle Whip stuff. I got a little excited when I saw this ad down at the bottom of the front page though:

Well, it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME someone combined my love of snack crackers with my animalistic S&M needs! But when I clicked on the link? I got the dumb Wheat Thins Facebook page, and absolutely ZERO orgasms achieved through humiliation.

Okay, maybe one.

Back at the Miracle Whip site, I decided to investigate a little further into their remarkably large collection of Whip-centric recipes, like this one for “Franks with Broccoli Slaw.”

Wow! All four reviewers gave it five stars! It must be a fantastic culinary treat. Wait a minute — what does that featured review say?

Hot dogs topped with coleslaw and chili are healthy and protein-packed? I am a little concerned about you, “a cook.” Say, that’s kind of a weird name for a commenter, isn’t it? Oh, well. It was probably just a randomly one-time user name chosen on the fly by someone who just felt really, really compelled to tell the Miracle Whip readership how very nutritious hot dogs are. Let’s look at some other recipes…

Rice slathered with Miracle Whip? Uh, OK, I guess. But six reviewers gave it an average of four stars, so it must be pretty darn good, or, according to that featured commenter up there, “Excellent.” Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it on that day back in 2010, “a cook.”

Hey waaaaait a minute…

Really, “a cook”? A platter of slimy lunchmeat was “very very smashing” and “raved about” by THREE-HUNDRED INDIVIDUAL THINKING PEOPLE? REALLY?! You sure are quite the presence on this site, “a cook,” and definitely, totally, 100% not at all a Miracle Whip employee trying to build enthusiasm for gross Miracle Whip recipes because dammit, we had to replace the hot water heater and Kayla needs braces and SWEET JESUS I NEED THIS JOB.

Yeah. So, it’s not unheard of for companies to go on their own websites and pose as customers to try to amp up the comments, but is “a cook” the best you could do? And you might want to tone it down a little when it comes to your over-the-top endorsements of recipes like this:

Oh. Oh, dear. I thought gelatinous phlegm-colored molds were a thing of the past, but apparently not according to Miracle Whip. Personally, I think this looks disgusting, but hey! It got four stars from a commenter! Let’s see what they have to say!

*SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH* And I’ll give you one guess as to who commented on a recipe for salmon with chimichurri mayo.

OH COME ON! Now you expect us to believe “a cook” is bilingual and/or only spoke Spanish in 2008? At least change the user name to “un cocinero” or something! YOU AREN’T EVEN TRYING.

Well, besides “a cook,” who has been posting comments on Miracle Whip recipes FOR THE PAST TEN YEARS, there are some actual commenters on Miracle Whip’s recipe pages, as sad as that is. Take, for example, lola152:

Uh. Nevermind. Carry on, “a cook.”

I don’t know, Internet. I just have no idea what to make of this Miracle Whip nonsense. Between the ridiculous ad campaigns and the gross recipes and the fake commenters, I’m starting to think that Miracle Whip is losing its mind in a Natalie-Portman-in-Black-Swan downward spiral-ish fashion.

Molly Karrasch

acts classy as an actor-ess in Austin, TX, often as a company member at austinplayhouse.com. She is also a producer of theatre, writer of ridiculousness, mother of boy, keeper of books and would never get anything done without Jay-Z. An enormous percentage of her time is spent trying to kick anorexia in the face. She once pulled a pocket knife on rapper Mack 10 in a mini-van in a Wal-Mart parking lot; RELAX, it was to HELP him.

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