Top 17 Ways to Get Your Neighbors to Move Away – Lousy Neighbors

It’s a well-known and undisputed fact that The List is the most powerful form of humorous writing on the Internet.  FACT – The List was first created when a Cro-Magnon man, dubbed Murg, crudely etched on a cave wall a list of amusing names he had come up with for his primary wife while she was out gathering berries.  Number 1 on the list?  Ack-Ta-Chack-No-Lak.  Archaeologists have agreed that this loosely translates to “The Hairy Mammal Who Shrieks Into the Wind”.  Murg’s corpse was found next to this amusing list with fossilized berries violently forced into all of his orifices.

The bottom third of Murg’s list is unspeakably filthy.

Well, we here at Act Classy believe very strongly in The List, so we’re proud to bring the occasional amusing list to you, the Internet reader who should probably be working right now.  You’re in luck because I, Act Classy’s Joseph Rocket-Boots Lyons,  happen to be a master of compiling interesting lists of things that are not only amusing, but are also extremely essential to surviving life and the world in general.  This week, we look at a problem we have all experienced.  It’s an issue as old as doors and fences.  The notion that we are 98% guaranteed to live next door to a person we don’t very much care for.  So I’m honored to present to you “The Top 17 Ways to Get Your Neighbors to Move Away”.

This will, naturally, be the non-Eastwood edition of this list.

  1. If anything of theirs falls on your property, claim it as your own and sue for total custody, be it garden hose, rake, pet, or stray child.
  2. Put a helpful banner on their house while they’re asleep.  Some helpful slogans are, “Pornography Warehouse”, “Drugs for Guns Program”, or “International House of Butt Piracy”.
  3. Steal their morning paper…from their living room.
  4. Every time you speak with them, tell them you’re interested in some sort of spouse swap.  When they point out that you do not have a spouse, nod suggestively over towards your Subaru.
  5. Tired of boring old eggings?  Try to “chicken” their house! It don’t matter if they’re alive or dead, you’re neighbors are gonna hate it.
  6. Get some dog poo.  Put it in a paper bag.   Light it on fire.  Put it on your neigbor’s door step.  Ring the doorbell.  When they try to put the fire out, that’s when you give them the unwanted surprise bikini waxing of a lifetime!
  7. Never forget the old timey charm an outhouse can give any front yard property line.
  8. Get all offended when they express how much they don’t like the cool moat you dug around their house for them.
  9. Always barbeque over a flaming tire.
  10. Be sure to remind the mail carrier that your neighbors hate whatever ethnic group the mail carrier happens to be.
  11. Make sweet, gentle love to whatever snowman they construct.
  12. Stand on your front yard twirling a pair of nunchucks and point at their house menacingly.  Do not stop until the police show up.
  13. Play the theme to Three’s Company on a loop.  Turn your stereo up to 11.  Leave town for a week.
  14. Offer to help clean out your neighbor’s garage.  Then quickly barricade yourself in there and claim their garage in the name of Spain.
  15. Tell the local news station that there’s a bush on the side of their house that kinda looks like Jesus.  Invite pilgrims to start a shanty town on your lawn while they worship your neighbor’s landscaping.
  16. Four simple words: “Start a llama brothel.”
  17. Every Sunday invite every one you know to an open air wedding you’re having in your front yard for your A-Team action figures.

So there’s our list, so what about yours?  Got any suggestions to influence a neighbor move?  Please post the thoughts as you see fit in our comments box below!


Joe Lyons

Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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