RoundTable Thursday : Brad Pitt, iPads, and Klondike Bars

Welcome to another RoudTable Thursday!  The only round table discussion that features the writers of Act Classy that you can find on Thursdays on this site.  I’ll be your moderator, Joseph “The Crimson Dandy” Lyons, and we hope that you enjoy this glimpse into the creative process into the beautiful minds that are the folks at Act Classy.

Our discussion are not as regal looking as this, but there are just as many swords.

JOE LYONS – RoundTable Thursday…..123GO! Brad Pitt, after years of either hemming and/or hawing, has finally proposed the notion of marriage to known Tomb Raider actress and convicted space alien, Angelina Jolie. The question that the computer that runs Act Classy wants me to pose to you is this – Assuming that you’re a guest at the wedding, what do you do when Billy Bob Thornton shows up, whacked out of his mind on grain alcohol, and swinging around an actual sling blade?

JIVE TURKEY – Um, you appoint yourself as his official best friend and tag along for that shit, because you know it’s going to be the best/wildest/most emotionally scarring time of your life. Get him a Shirley Temple from the bar. Offer to hold his sling blade. Invite him to dance the Electric Slide with you — ANYTHING to get into his good graces so that you can be ringside whenever shit gets real, which in his case is about every five minutes or so. Did you know he has a phobia of antiques? Seriously. Might not be a bad idea to keep an antique pocket watch on your person in case you need to repel him if things get sketchy and he asks for a vial of your blood.

Actually, you would probably rather be attacked by Billy Bob as opposed to hearing him sing…

FRED BETZNER – Whip out your camera phone and climb to the best vantage point you can fined. 1 billion You Tube hits are yours for the taking.

MOLLY KARRASCH – Whistle a quick tune in Angelina’s general direction. The soft wind produced by my whistling will catch her wedding dress and cheekbone hollows and lift her into the air and send her tumbling and tossing like a plastic grocery sack. Billy Bob will be unable to keep up with her erratic float path and knocks Brad down, triggering a domino fall of their children that lasts for 6 minutes and 43 seconds. We all pause to watch; Angelina hovering in a pocket of still air just out of Billy Bob’s reach. Using the slingblade as an extension of his hand, he is able to gain an extra few inches of reach and Angelina finally catches hold of him right before the gust of air from a lady sneezing is about to carry her away forever. They are both punctured by the blade and while they are busy bleeding themselves out into champagne flutes and licking their eyeballs, Brad and I gather up the children and return to our hometown of Springfield, Missouri. We live out the rest of our days playing tennis and obsessively scouring local thrift stores for the sweatsuit he accidentally donated 30 years ago.

That sound you hear is Molly buying up the world’s remaining stock of leopard.

BRAD STEPHENSON – Brad Pitt… mmmm… I may be a man, but I’d like to raid his tomb. AMIRITE, guys?! I mean… I’m not gay. I just… I’m comfortable enough with my own sexuality to say that I’d totally touch him in a sexual way. If I was gay… which I’m not. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. There isn’t at all. I just don’t choose to let my natural instincts wash over me in that way. He looked so good in Legends of the Fall.

But yea, to answer your question, Sling Blade was a cool movie.

I don’t know if I agree with Brad.  I mean, he’s no Larry Hagman…

All fascinating approaches and, while Molly’s approach was the closest, you’re all still incredibly wrong. You shout “MISTER WOODCOCK!” at Billy Bob, since this is his safety phrase, rendering him momentarily incapable of violence. You take the sling blade from him and escort him to the table reserved for ex-spouses/significant others, where Jennifer Aniston is busy sexually assaulting Johnny Lee Miller in a last ditch attempt to not die alone. Then you make a toast to the new bride and groom, perform a series of amusing magic tricks for their phalanx of children, and then slip and fall on the dance floor and sue the happy couple for all their worth.

Coincidentally, my appetite is also gone in 60 seconds…

ITEM! Act Classy, in a fit of lunacy, has decided to give an iPad away to one extraordinarily lucky reader of the site, instead of keeping it for ourselves. An iPad, for the uninitiated, is a super-fun tablet computing device that will make your life complete while increasing your attractiveness by a factor of 125% to members of both sexes. The question is as follows – If you could design one app for the winner of the iPad what would it’s function be? Keep in mind, there are already plenty of apps that make fart noises.

To think I’m never going to get the chance to smudge the crap out of that thing.

Is there a queef app yet?

You have killed this discussion, haven’t you?

Actually, I think everyone is just too busy scrambling to code their queef apps and be the first one on the App Store to reply.

Computer-ProgrammersIt only took us 14 months to finish!

Um…anyway…uh…Final Query! What would you doOOOo for a Klondike Bar? Who would you do for an ice cream bar in the shape of Spongebob Squarepants?

Not to be confused with the less popular “Yukon Square”.

Honestly? Whatever it takes. WHATEVER IT TAKES. For either. I am so hungry right now.

I would go to the store and purchase a Klondike Bar for a Klondike Bar. For an ice cream bar shaped like Spongebob, I would do anyone and everyone.

Did my sense of reason and logic with my first answer just get completely negated by my second?


MOLLY MARTIN – Nothing. Talk to me about what I’d do for Baskin-Robbins to bring back Grape Ice. Better yet: ask yer mom.

No..your…YOUR mom…

Am I limited in the number of guns that I have at my disposal while acquiring this Klondike Bar?

Only two.  Chow Yun Fat style.

He was trying to get a Choco Taco in this picture.

Oh, okay, that’s too bad. I was planning on making a giant suit made out of guns, but you know, i guess i’d just hold up a liquor store then. Or wherever they sell Klondikes.

What would you do for a Roseanne Barr?

Pre or post John Goodman is not dead lotto winner fantasy?

I would download a fart app for a Klondike Bar. I would learn how to make fart apps for a Roseanne Barr. I mostly just want you to know that it is a very Specific and Special Kickapoo High tennis sweatsuit that B.Pitt & I are still searching for and I have a picture of him in it. I keep it on the Internet with all my other personal photos of him. So, if you need it for this post I can print an extra copy, FedEx it and have it there tomorrow-ish! OR you could google it, or I could forward you the one I emailed myself. POINT IS! Brad is really worried about that sweatsuit, you guys.


Well, on that note, that’ll wrap up another RoundTable Thursday!  So now we pose the questions to you, dear readers?  What would you do for that iPad?  How do you halt a rampaging Billy Bob?  Klondike Bars?  Good ice cream or BEST ice cream?  Annnnnnnnnd, discuss.

Joe Lyons

Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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