Ask Professor Classypants: Basement Weirdos Edition

Well, passive-aggressive-advice-seeking public, I am humbled.  Last week, when Professor Classypants found herself bereft of letters, you answered the call.  You decided that you could not go another week without my sage advice, nor could you bear another “Professor Classypants Advises Herself” column.  Most of all, you wanted to be entered to win an iPad 2.

Bless you.

Okay, bless you -ish.  Once I saw what you did write in to ask me, dear readers, I was sort of sorry I had to talk to people again.  Because–hoo boy!–the freaks come out for the iPad giveaways.  But I am a woman of my word, bound by the Faux Advice Columnist’s Solemn Oath to boss you around.  Let’s do this, freak show.

I’m sorry…Mr. Freakshow.


Question for Professor Classypants:

I need to move a 12 year old cat across the country in July. What’s the best way to do this with the fewest lives lost in the process?


Dear Andrea:

First of all, of course it’s a “question for Professor Classypants.”  This isn’t a comment card at Denny’s.  But I’ll let that slide.

I take it from your note that you and the senior cat currently live on different coasts.  Long-distance relationships are hard to manage but they can also blind us to the reality of living with someone every day.  Right now, while you only see your cat, say, every other weekend, you’re constantly on the  honeymoon.  I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I can safely say that the minute you move that cat across country, you may not find that you like him much at all.

I’m so sorry but I have to insist that you break up with your cat.  -P.C.

He may not take it well. Be prepared.


Dear Professor:

Can you settle a disagreement I am having with my friend?  She says that I am the Bee’s Knees, whereas I believe myself to be the Cat’s Pajamas.  Who is right?

Signed, The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread

Dear Bread:

First and foremost: if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can’t I paint you?  Now that I’ve given that one person who really loves 70′s AM radio [yet still reads the internet] a good chortle, let’s get back to the matter at hand.

I sense that you have a healthy self-concept.  Let me adjust that.  You are, neither, the Bee’s Knees nor the Cat’s Pajamas.  But I sense that you own many cats.  Are the cats the ones who are filling your head with self-aggrandizing pap?  If so, I can’t help you.

Okay, it’s not that I can’t help you.  I just don’t want to.  -P.C.

The only basement-dwelling weirdo who didn’t write to me this week.


Dear Professor:

Based on your most recent article, I gather that you have some expertise in in this area:  When I wish to measure the volume of objects in a room using a cat-swinging measurement device, should I hold the cat by the ears or by the tail.

Sincerely Yours, The Cat’s Pajamas

Hey P.J. –

Well, is my face red!  Seriously, is it?  I just had a chemical peel.

Math has never been my strong suit.  And even if I had a strong suit, I’d just spend all my time doing this:

And then I’d never get any math done anyway.

Anyhoo – I gather you caught my “can’t swing a cat” mention in last week’s column.  Thanks for reading!  The best way to measure using a cat is to look yourself in the mirror and multiply the number of times you’ve written to an online advice columnist about your cat by how much I care on a scale of 1-to-10.  Pssssssst:  zero multiplied by anything is always zero.  It’s science.  – P.C.

My indifference is all that shocks this kitten anymore, ever since “Skins” on MTV.


Dear Professor Classypants,

This is the Zodiac speaking I am back with you. Tell herb caen I am here, I have always been here. That city pig toschi is good ‘ but I am smarter and better he will get tired then leave me alone. I am waiting for a good movie about me. who will play me. I am now in control of all things.

Yours truly: guess

Dear Zodiac:

At last, someone with a question entirely unrelated to cats!  And such a mysterious note.   The ladies must love you.

I’m afraid, however, that I’m unfamiliar with your work.  Perhaps you could send me some clippings? – P.C.

Why do all my letters now come in cipher form?

Happy writing! Thanks for stopping by to live, love, and learn. Be sure to join us next week.And remember: Act Classy and you will be classy. Ish.

Have a question for Professor Classypants? Feel free to use our magical form that lets you enter information into rectangles. When you hit SUBMIT, the form sends electronic mail to Professor Classypants with your message. Great… now we’ve over-explained things.

Molly Martin

Professor Darla Von Classypants is actually Molly G. Martin. Because Ann Landers and Dear Abby and Dear Prudence haven't used real names in 67 years so why should she? And if you're thinking this reminds you of an old Dave Barry schtick: when you grow up and get your own blog, THEN you can have opinions.

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