News justice

Published on November 26th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner


Weekly News Flash: Our Glorious Judicial System

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

Last week a courtroom in Montana erupted into a screaming cacophony of justice when an angry mob disrupted a trial and forced the presiding judge to leave the room, thus allowing the defendant to declare himself judge and dismiss all counts against him.

An artist’s rendering of an artist’s rendering of someone in court.

According to The Huffington Post, former Republican State Representative Joel Boniek had been in court for a scheduling hearing related to charges of “obstructing a peace officer, resisting arrest and fleeing from or eluding a peace officer.” Boniek, however, insists that he cannot be tried because the prosecutor isn’t a real prosecutor… or something. 

When a Boniek supporter in the courtroom started shouting, the judge informed the supporter he was out of order. The shouter responded by yelling, “You’re out of order,” because he saw it in a movie once and honestly thought that this was the appropriate response. His attempts to then ignite a flame-thrower were thwarted by several bailiffs, but the proceedings were already spiraling out of control.

Emboldened by the reference to a 90′s courtroom drama, the rest of the crowd started to shout as well and, taking a cue from the defendant, resisted peace officers who were trying to clear them from the courtroom. 

Seeing that the courtroom was out of control, the judge adjourned the hearing and left the court, thus playing right into Boniek’s plan! Once the judge had left, Boniek proclaimed, “The judge has left the room, I’m in charge now!” He then dismissed his case and proceeded to walk the halls of the courthouse flipping off all the municipal staff that he could find, all of the statues of Blind Justice, and four or five chairs he happened to pass.

But while his unorthodox defense may not be entirely legal, advisable, or sane, it doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon. Unconfirmed reports indicate that Lindsay Lohan’s representatives have been in touch with Mr. Boniek and speculation is rampant that this may be her new strategy at her next inevitable courtroom appearance.

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About the Author

Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.

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