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Published on November 27th, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson

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Andrew W.K. Names Himself Cultural Ambassador To Middle East, Begins World War III

Singer/songwriter/dickhead Andrew W.K., who is most notable to me as the guy who wrote and performed the horrendous “Party Hard” that played on the Madden 2003 title screen, recently claimed that he’d been named the cultural ambassador to the Middle East by the U.S. State Department.

W.K. posted on his website: “This is a tremendous invitation. I’m very thankful to the Department of State for giving me the opportunity to visit a place I’ve never been before. And I feel very privileged and humbled by the chance to represent the United States of America and show the good people of Bahrain the power of positive partying. I can hardly wait for this adventure!”

When I first read this news, I believed it to be true. Now you tell me what kind of a twisted world we’re living in when I read this — Party Rocker Andrew W.K. Named Cultural Ambassador to the Middle East — and just assume it’s true!

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Ladies and gentlemen, I believed that this would be our ambassador to one of the most volatile areas on the planet.

Naturally, the State Department immediately corrected Andrew W.K., explaining that they’d simply considered co-sponsoring a trip to Bahrain by the singer/songwriter/dickhead because he’s “pretty popular there.” You know what else is popular there?

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When it’s time to party, Bahrain parties hard!

 We can only hope that the State Department has canceled all plans to send Andrew W.K. to the Middle East. The man is a national treasure, and we can’t possibly allow our country’s celebrities to be placed in a part of the world where he could be blown up, dismembered, turned into a concubine or — hey, wait a second.

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If the State Department won’t pay for his trip, maybe we could start a Kickstarter campaign to make sure this happens.

Who do you think would make a good-slash-hilariously-terrible cultural ambassador to the Middle East?

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About the Author

Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.



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