Sh*t Just Got Real cat-mummyj

Published on October 2nd, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

6

Which One of You Bought The Mummified Cat Slam Dunking a Mummified Bird on eBay, And Can I Buy You a Beer?

Congratulations, world. Two of your citizens are secretly awesome.

Not one of them. Go S a D, dude, for real.

Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, you need to know that an actual human being who is currently drawing breath along with the rest of us on this planet took the time and creative energy (and, apparently, full advantage of unfettered access to bird and cat corpses) to bring this into the world:

I tawt I taw TWO POINTS, SON.

Yes. That’s a mummified cat slam dunking a mummified bird, and its terrifying beauty is filling a void in your soul that you didn’t even know existed.

Unfortunately for most of us, that void will remain empty, because some fortunate (yet anonymous) individual purchased this song of my soul off of eBay recently, where its maker had posted it for sale because…I don’t know — he got tired of looking upon THE FACE OF GOD on a daily basis? That’s my only guess.

Now that the sale has ended, no more trackable information is available about the seller, and, of course, we know nothing of the buyer. Well, nothing except that he or she knows a goddamn solid investment when he/she sees it, and that you probably never want to be in his/her house at night. All we know is that there are two people in this world who have given meaning to our fleeting existence on this planet. If you’ve ever wondered why you’re here, it’s because you’re supposed to use your hands to do THIS. Or to at least steal some money out of your kid’s savings account to BUY IT. Who would’ve thought the meaning of life would come in the form of a resin-soaked creature who spent hours licking its own asshole on the bathmat? Well, I did. But I hate to say I told you so.

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=609437720 Tor Voller

    Haha!

  • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

    Amazing. All of this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ChristopherJamesHarrington Christopher James Harrington

    thank you, I’m the creator of slam dunk kitty, I call her Dunks

    • http://www.facebook.com/cristina.wiedenbeck Cristina Wiedenbeck

      Omg! Fucking awesome! , your kind of a big deal chris!!

    • JiveTurkeyJones

      Mr. Harrington! Sir — I owe you a beer. This is seriously magnificent.

    • JiveTurkeyJones

      Mr. Harrington, sir, I owe you a beer. What you made was magnificent. And just when I thought I couldn’t love it more, you tell me she (SHE!) is named DUNKS. DUNKS. Well played.

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