What Your Halloween Candy Says About You, Weirdo
Ahhh, Halloween. That magical time of year when children’s imaginations come to life, farms are transformed into spooky wonderlands, and I decide what slutty character I want to be the fat version of this year. And speaking of fatness, there is one thing about this season the adults still look forward to even though we no longer don costumes and skip door-to-door: a heavenly host of delicious sweet confections that tickle the taste buds and awaken the senses HALLOWEEN CANDY.
Sure, we all judge people based on what kind of Halloween candy they eat, but what about the kind you give away to other people? What does THAT say about you? You might think those Necco Wafers are a good idea, but behind your back our eyes are all rolling right out of our heads. There are plenty other choices though…
CANDY CORN 
One of your own teeth fell into the bowl and you can’t discern it from the candy. Trick-or-treating starts in five minutes, so you just shake it good and hard and hope the tooth sinks to the bottom.
GOOD & PLENTY 
You drive a 1984 Ford Tempo that runs on grudges and resentment. You’re also still using The Original Club Steering Wheel Lock.
SMARTIES 
You are a hard worker. No dream is too big, no goal unachievable. Or you’re an eighth grader at a roller rink and this is the easiest thing to crush up and dump into a bucket of Mountain Dew.
WERTHER’S ORIGINAL 
This is the same bag you’ve had for 12 years. Those damned kids are lucky you even remembered it’s Halloween and that you’re letting them walk on your lawn. Your nose hairs hurt.
APPLES
Seriously? Go bobbing for dicks.
FUN SIZE ANYTHING
You believe that the best way to combat the childhood obesity epidemic in the United States is through physical activity and a healthy diet, and a good way to ease into that journey is to adjust portion sizes. You hate fun.
OK, so maybe you’ve got some more research to do before you find the right sweets to hand out to unsuspecting strangers. What are you learning about your weirdo neighbors when you take the kiddos trick-or-treating? Tell us in the comments!
About the Author
Addi Twigg Addi Twigg lives at the top of a killer hill in Pittsburgh and works a boring day job that is oddly satisfying, like a half melted Snickers. She doesn't know how to take a compliment, but don't let that stop you.
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