Act Classy Cares Ash tries to kill Ripley in Alien

Published on October 22nd, 2012 | by kdiddy

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Weird Catalogs Give New Meaning To The Phrase “Christmas Creep”

We are well into the time of year when retailers remind us via catalogs of the upcoming holiday shopping season with all of the subtlety of Ash trying to choke Ripley with a rolled-up Playboy in Alien.

Ash tries to kill Ripley in Alien

YOU LOVE BLACK FRIDAY BARGAINS AS MUCH AS THIS HEAVY-HANDED METAPHOR

As such, Christmas-leaning catalogs have begun to appear in my mailbox. Some of them aren’t too surprising, coming from clothing companies that I shop with fairly regularly. But some of them are obviously the result of a mailing list transaction and make no sense whatsoever. The best example so far is LTD Commodities. I’ve never heard of this company, but they apparently sell absolutely everything you could never want or need and claim to have done so since 1963. The cover of the catalog tells me that within these pages I can find chocolate-covered pretzels, floral throw pillows, something called a shoe wine bottle holder, and NFL collectible holiday houses. But that odd potpourri of junk was barely a hint of the wonders inside. Allow me to introduce you to some of my favorites. (Family members of mine should stop reading as their Christmas bounty is about to be spoiled.)

It’s worth noting here that the catalog is not arranged in any kind of way that makes sense. Visor clips are opposite knee socks and these pants that I’m about to show you are opposite something called a “woman’s flashlight,” which is pink, of course, and as far as I can tell functions the same way that a plain old flashlight does. I’m not sure what makes it for women. Maybe it takes two women to change the bulb? Anyway, on to the pants.

Womens Cam Cargo SweatpantsCamo. Cargo. Sweatpants. Three things that never needed to be sewn to each other brought together in what will surely be your most effective contraceptive method yet. The description says that, “They’re great for everyday wear or a casual night out!” I know that in recent years it has become acceptable to wear pajamas out of the house, which I still don’t understand, but if I see you in club in these I’m smacking you. Fair warning.

I know you fellas are feeling really jealous about the ladies’ ability to camouflage their naughty bits, but fear not. Because these exist:

Knit Novelty Lounge PantsNotice how the bed behind this guy is still made? That’s because this man is having no sex ever because he is wearing sweatpants that are made to look like ripped jeans with patches (?) and boxers sticking out of them. You know what’s especially annoying about these? After the apocalypse these will probably be the only clothing that survives the cataclysm, which means that no one will be banging the day after tomorrow, which means that the human race is as good as over.

Now that all of our appetites are ruined, let’s turn our attention to the treats available to us through the fine folks at LTD.

Shakespeare's Pretzel RodsOoh, I love when food comes in a tub! But wait…whose rods are these? Shakespeare’s? Nice. I thought that dude just wrote plays or whatever.

Let’s see what nightmares we can offer the kids.

Giddy Up Racing Horse HoppersDistended abdomen horsies! Yay! Look how much fun everyone in this picture is having. But wait.

Giddy Up Horse Close Up

Oh dear…

Giddy Up Horse Close Up 2Nevermind, this shit is terrifying.

Moving on. What do you buy for the person on your shopping list who just loves hunting so fucking much? A shower curtain, obviously.

Tranquil Deer Shower CurtainOf course, the main thing you need to be careful of is making sure the recipient of this gift won’t accidentally get spooked and try to kill this shower curtain.

Finally, I present to you without comment this spread from the catalog.

Antler Back ScratcherMerry Christmas.

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About the Author

kdiddy is a lifelong Pittsburgher and always has trouble readings people’s facial expressions when she tells them that. She’s been a writer since somewhere around second grade, when she penned a novella about a monster who attacked her suburb, devoured all of the kids in her Catholic school, and put a hurt on the supply of hot dogs in the cafeteria. Since that auspicious beginning, she’s earned a few fancy-pants writing degrees and vomited her words in print and online (kdiddy.org, MamaPop.com). Her hobbies include wife-ing, mothering, showing hoes no love, carbs, and candy.



  • http://twitter.com/DarwinfishBluz bluzdude

    I think the danger there is a guy seeing that shower curtain move and accidentally shooting his wife.

    • KellyBDelaney

      Accidentally or “accidentally?”
      “I thought there was a deer in the bathroom! Duh!”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=752912994 Bernadette Ulsamer

    I also am a receipient of this catalog and I’ve actually ordered things from it for my “hick” relatives, like the “Anthology of Handguns” for my Poppy who has been stock piling guns ever since Obama got elected. Yeah, he’s a fun guy.

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