Weekly News Flash: Veeps Gone Wild!

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

Last Thursday evening, the first and only vice presidential debate of this election season took place between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan, and newspaper headlines from across the country expertly summed up the proceedings: “VP candidates turn up heat,” “No holding back for Biden, Ryan,” “Biden, Ryan go at each other from start to finish.”* Actually, from this coverage I’m not entirely sure if they were debating or having sloppy, crack-fueled, hate sex on national television.

Biden was definitely coming at Ryan from behind, after President Obama submissively allowed Romney to spank him repeatedly in last week’s presidential debate. That limp performance by Obama — who was constantly pounded by an uncharacteristically forceful Romney — put a great deal of pressure on Biden to perform vigorously and for much longer than a man of his age is used to. Biden chose to get anal early on, constantly correcting Ryan on details and shoving facts down his open throat.

Biden also frequently reached around Ryan’s talking points to appeal directly to moderator Martha Radditz. Radditz frequently stimulated the event orally, inserting herself into the conversation and getting off tough follow up questions multiple times.

The VP debate, however, was merely foreplay to this week’s town hall-style Presidential Debate, in which Romney and Obama will be surrounded by voters eager to spew questions at them. Debate organizers promise this will be a diverse audience: a bi-gendered interracial gang, banging on a variety of hot issues concerning all matters foreign and domestic.

Network ratings are expected to be even higher than the Clinton, Perot, Bush three-way in 1992.

So goddamn hot!

* Headlines taken from The Richmond Times-Dispatch, The Tampa Bay Times, and The Detroit News.

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Tags: Election 2012, featured, Joe Biden, Paul Ryan, Vice Presidential Debate, Weekly News Flash

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.