Weekly News Flash: Unemployment Rate Either Moderately Good News or Obviously Fake

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

This past Friday, analysis showed that the national unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, the lowest rate in over three years. Upon release of the number, it was immediately passed through the filter of crazy-time-all-the-time presidential politics.

The monthly number is released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS), a government agency alternatively described as ether an independent, non-partisan, sober analyst of survey data and economic trends, or the most insidious, corrupt, Hitler loving, socialists this side of Awfulville (depending on your political affiliation and level of bat shit in your system).

Jack Welch, former CEO of General Electric, said on twitter “Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers.” His opinion was shortly echoed by current members of Congress, cable news pundits, and the thing that Donald Trump’s hair is attached to.

Though there is absolutely zero evidence that the White House, the Obama campaign, the League of Shadows, or HYDRA had anything whatsoever to do with the better than expected numbers, that really only goes to prove the conspiracy. Just like Mitt Romney’s continued silence on his tax returns only proves that he is actually 56 highly trained squirrels operating a very sophisticated life-like cyborg for unknown (but surely nefarious) purposes.

Have you seen that guy eat nuts? Swallows them whole by the handful.

They want something, and I’m pretty sure it’s not a vibrant and robust middle class.

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Tags: Conspiracy Theories, featured, Mitt Romney, politics, Unemployment Rate

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.