Musician Meat Loaf Weighs in on Election, Breaks Scale

Weekly News Flash: Musician Meat Loaf Weighs in on Election, Breaks Scale

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

In a desperate attempt to get people to acknowledge that he’s still alive, Grammy Award-winning singer Meat Loaf endorsed presidential candidate Mitt Romney last week.

In his endorsement speech, Mr. Loaf said “Storm clouds [have] come over the United States. There is thunderstorms over Europe [sic]. There are hail storms, and I mean major hail storms, in the Middle East.”

After he was informed that Mr. Romney was not a magical wizard able to control the weather, Meat did not back down from his endorsement. He continued, “…President Barack Obama, God bless him, said to Mitt Romney, ‘The Cold War is over’ — I have never heard such a thing in my life.”

Meat Loaf – whose real name is Turkey Burger Aday – spent much of the late 80s and early 90s training for a hot dog eating competition and recording Bat Out of Hell 2, and can be forgiven for failing to remember the fall of the Berlin Wall, the break-up of the Soviet Union, the democratization of Russia, and both Presidents Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush taking credit for ending the era of history specifically known as The Cold War.

Mr. Romney, whose religion (I think) pretty much forbids listening to any Meat Loaf album, was happy to accept the endorsement as it now locks up the coveted “people who can eat six hams in one sitting” vote.

Meatloaf, the classic dinner entree, could not be reached for comment.

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.