Published on October 22nd, 2012 | by Fred Betzner3
Weekly News Flash: ARMSTRONG’S AWARDS AWKWARDLY ANNULLED
The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.
Lance Armstrong, internationally famous cyclist, has been stripped of his 7 Tour De France medals in the aftermath of a years long investigation into doping allegations. The man once hailed as the greatest cyclist of all time shall now only be known for creating a rubber bracelet empire and having one testicle.
Earlier this year, Armstrong stopped fighting the allegations in court, though he still maintains his innocence. Eleven of Armstrong’s former teammates testified against him in United States Anti Doping Agency (USADA) report which characterised Armstrong’s behavior as the “most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme sport has ever seen.”
In positive news for Armstrong, he has been announced as the winner of the 2012 McGwire/Bonds Shitting on Your Sport In a Desperate and Selfish Attempt to Cheat Your Way to the Top, You Hubristic Son of a Bitch Award.
Enjoy your life of exile and humiliation!