Weekly News Flash: LANCE ARMSTRONG'S AWARDS AWKWARDLY ANNULLED

Weekly News Flash: ARMSTRONG’S AWARDS AWKWARDLY ANNULLED

The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.

Lance Armstrong, internationally famous cyclist, has been stripped of his 7 Tour De France medals in the aftermath of a years long investigation into doping allegations. The man once hailed as the greatest cyclist of all time shall now only be known for creating a rubber bracelet empire and having one testicle.

Earlier this year, Armstrong stopped fighting the allegations in court, though he still maintains his innocence. Eleven of Armstrong’s former teammates testified against him in United States Anti Doping Agency (USADA) report which characterised Armstrong’s behavior as the “most sophisticated, professionalised and successful doping programme sport has ever seen.”

In positive news for Armstrong, he has been announced as the winner of the 2012 McGwire/Bonds Shitting on Your Sport In a Desperate and Selfish Attempt to Cheat Your Way to the Top, You Hubristic Son of a Bitch Award.

Enjoy your life of exile and humiliation!

About the Author

Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=609437720 Tor Voller

But really those 11 guys were just bitter and Lance is innocent right? ;P
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=752912994 Bernadette Ulsamer

AND he dated Sherly Crow and left her when she had the breast cancer. A real standup guy.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=554375852 Josh Aronoff

I need to check this, but I seriously think A LOT of those guys are or were doping. Is Cycling the Baseball…. of cycling… ah crap…. that didn’t work.