RoundTable Thursday, October 25, 2012: Sitcom Stars, the Timberlake Wedding, and Curing the Common Cold
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC! You are stuck in a spooky cabin in the woods and zombies, or demons, or sexy trees are coming to get you. What three 80s sitcom stars do you wish you were trapped in the cabin with?
JASON:
1) Anthony Morton “Tony” Micelli: Runs a tight ship, can cook and clean
2) Mike Seaver: Knowing what I know now, perfect human shield
3) Charles: In charge (I hate making decisions)
BJ ISENBERG:
2) Valerie Harper. Because her ghost still haunted the Hogan Family for years.
3) Roseanne Barr. Music soothes the savage beast; Roseanne singing the National Anthem would freak out the zombies and make them head for cover.
ADDI TWIGG: Three? Please, you only need one: V.I.C.I. from Small Wonder. Specifically when she gets her first period.
You know what they say! “Old enough to bleed, old enough for destroying entire populations of demons and zombies in a fury of unbridled adolescent rage!”
FRED:
1) ALF, a.k.a. Gordon Shumway, refugee alien life form from the planet Melmac. He will stave off the hordes of mutant cats by straight-up eating them. Because that’s how he flippin’ rolls.
2) Max Hedroom, for his uncanny ability to induce seizures in all sentient life and most of the mobile deceased.
3) George H.W. Bush from D.C. Follies, because even Freddy Kreuger has nightmares about him.
BRAD STEPHENSON: First of all, I don’t even know if I have time for this. I am so busy emptying my bank account for Barack Obama just because he said “bayonets” during the debate this week. I FUCKING LOVE BAYONETS! But here goes anyway…
1) Sarah Jessica Parker from ‘Square Pegs.’ I mean, we’re all going to be dealing with awkward situations in that cabin, so we need someone who is used to being a square peg.
2) Cherie’s grandma from ‘Punky Brewster.’ Simply because I plan to get locked in many, MANY refrigerators, and I know she’ll be on the lookout for that.
3) Jackée from 227 because why the fuck wouldn’t you choose Jackée for something like this?
JIVE TURKEY: I have been waiting my whole life to answer this question:
1) Linda Lavin’s Alice, because every dire situation seems better in the company of someone who can provide one-liners AND Broadway-caliber vocals.
2) Bea Arthur from The Golden Girls, because…would YOU mess with that chick?
3) Schneider from One Day at a Time, because gross mustachioed sex is pretty much required in these types of deals, right? (DON’T ANSWER THAT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY)
You be the screwdriver, I’ll be the fingernail.
KDIDDY:
1) Karen from The Wonder Years because she has the good weed
2) Elyse Keaton from Family Ties because she seems like a good nurturer
3) Dwayne Wayne from A Different World because I had a thing for him and those ridiculous glasses and if I’m going to die, I’m going to fulfill at least one early pubescent fantasy.
JOE LYONS: All fascinating choices, but you’ll all be dead by dawn. The only choices are:
1) Urkel, for throwing at monsters in order to slow them down during their inevitable break-in.
2) Alyssa Milano, for the same reasons as the Dwayne Wayne pick.
3) Fonzie, because Fonzie.
SECOND TOPIC! I know we all had a blast last week,when we were invited to Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s lavish wedding. What did you guys get in your wedding favor gift bag?
ADDI TWIGG: Mine included an advance copy of Justin’s new studio album! And by “advance copy” I mean he has ignored all my tweets, letters, and national billboards begging him to release a new album. I am going to cry that man a river. A RIVER OF PAIN.
JIVE TURKEY: I got a Brillo pad wig, some sweet purple-tinted shades, and a chin that looks like a lady’s crotch.
All that’s missing is a pre-Federline Britney!
KDIDDY: Same thing I always get: a restraining order.
BJ ISENBERG: A pillowcase full of yesterday’s McDonald’s french fries. They really don’t taste as good reheated. And I think he knows that.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I got a “Bringing Sexy Back” home back waxing kit.
Go ‘head, be gone with it.
FRED: I got a sneak peek at his first post Andy Samberg SNL video called Penis in an Envelope. It was underwhelming.
JASON: All I got was a bottle of water and a Toblerone. And I fucking hate elitist candy.
JIVE TURKEY: Ugh — did it have one of those annoying, wedding-themed wrappers on it? A Biel-Timblerone?
JASON: Yes! And it was partially eaten! I’m not 100% sure who did it, but I have my suspicions…
JOE LYONS: MAN! I got ripped off! All I got was a tiny novelty picture frame that will fit no picture I own, a $26 million bill for the ceremony, and their Uncle Kevin, who is a LOUSY house guest, might I add.
FINAL TOPIC! Ugh. I may have a cold coming on. What do I do to stop it?
KDIDDY: I’ve got a cold coming on too, but it’s just slowly creeping in instead of announcing its presence with authority and it’s really pissing me off. Right now it feels like something has been slowly burrowing its way into my skull for two days. Maybe that’s the mad cow finally settling in from that questionable burger I ate in ’87? I don’t know. Right now I’m dealing with it in an extremely mature manner: whining until someone shoots me in the face and puts me out of misery.
ADDI TWIGG: A strict regimen of rest, fluids, chicken soup, and Airborne up the b-hole.
JOE LYONS: You mean butt-antihistamine-ing?
BJ ISENBERG: Ecstasy, fog machine, 10 straight hours of Moby, and a hard object to bite to keep from grinding your teeth into nubs. If symptoms persist, more Ecstasy.
JIVE TURKEY: Watch TLC for 12 hours non-stop. It’ll kill anything that may be alive inside of you.
FRED: Run around talking really loud about how you’re a Highlander and how you can’t wait for the quickening and how awesome it is being immortal and having the blood of kings. You’ll be decapitated soon enough. No head, no cold.
BRAD STEPHENSON: Go into a dark room, look in a mirror and say Candyman three times.
FRED: CANDYMAN…CANDYMAN…
BRAD STEPHENSON: DON’T YOU DO IT, FRED!
FRED: CANDYMAN!
BRAD STEPHENSON:
Sonofabitch.
JOE LYONS: {sobs}
ADDI TWIGG: Just be glad he didn’t get the chance to say it a fourth time.
THE HORROR!
About the Author
Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.
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