Rubber? I Just Met Her: A Latex Halloween Mask Roundup
There is nothing you can do that will scare me as badly as putting on a seemingly innocent latex Halloween mask.
You could hire a Hollywood effects artist to work on you for 18 hours straight, and I’d be unfazed by your costume. You could summon a creature from the depths of hell to levitate my furniture and possess my cat, and I’d clap with delight. But throw on a cheap latex mask, and pee might escape my body without my command or desire for it to do so.
Let’s take a look at some of the scarier latex Halloween masks available this year.
My brain is telling me there’s stubble on your neck, but my penis is telling me you have soft lady skin. I’m so confused!
Unless you’re a serial killer, you have no need for a creepy lady mask featuring a soulless expression like the one above. NO NEED! Why would anyone make and sell something like that? Oh… wait… is this… this is a sex fetish thing, isn’t it? Oh man…
I know it’s rude to stare at a lady’s tits, but I can’t possibly be expected to look into those horrible eyes.
You know what? I don’t really want to think about latex sex masks anymore. Let’s move on to some character masks.
I said we’d move on, but I bet somewhere right now, a couple is wearing these and banging.
Okay, let’s just work with the assumption that EVERYTHING is a horrible fetish and just not discuss it. Deal? Now, if you want to answer the door and scare the hell out of tiny, innocent trick-or-treaters, open the door wearing this mask.
The Internetz call it a “Nana” mask, but I think it’s a pretty great Mrs. Doubtfire.
This next one is horrifying and in bad taste… so it’s really perfect. The more I look at this thing, the less I know whether this is a bizarre version of Michael Jackson’s face, or if he really just looked this weird.
I’m lookin’ at the man in the mirror, and it just made my butt cheeks crawl up inside my colon.
Speaking of things that are in bad taste, some dickhead tried to sell a mask of Aurora, CO, movie theater gunman James Holmes on eBay. Fortunately, it was pulled by the website after it was listed at a $500 starting bid.
Isn’t capitalism just great sometimes?
Finally, let’s cleanse the palate with a more pleasant and cheery mask.
What?! Who the fuck is making these things?! Also, any joke I try to make in this caption right now will likely be perceived as racist, so I’ll just stop now.
Before I close, I found a few bonus Halloween tweets for you:
Weird? Yes. Awesome? Also yes.
Yes, January James, I’m sure those kids would be delighted by a reference so old even their grandparents might not understand.
Idk either you fkn sicko. LOLOL!
Your assignment? Find the weirdest/scariest/funniest mask you can and post a link to its image in the comments below.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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