RoundTable Thursday self_destruct_button

Published on October 4th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

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RoundTable Thursday, Oct. 4, 2012: Taylor Swift, Looper Sequels, and Other Debates

RoundTable Thursday, when you want the flavor of bacon in a dip.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC!  Uh oh!  You just broke up with Taylor Swift because, even though she’s now over 20, she still acts like a 15-year-old scribbling in her Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.  What steps do you take to prevent her from writing a song about you?

 

fbetznerFRED: Burn that trapper keeper with fire and dump holy water on the ashes.

 

jason-bernard-thumbJASON: Same as every break up: cut off her hands.

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: The only way to avoid having Swift write a song about you is to do everything you can related to orange. Wear orange, eat oranges, color your hair orange, change your first and last names to Orange. 

Nothing rhymes with orange. She’d be helpless.

 

fbetznerFRED: I’m just a country girl/I hate that he’s obsessed with orange/I make my own clothes/And this dress needs s’more fringe!

 

Art imitating life imitating a toilet brush.

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: Ugh. I guess if you’re awful, anything can rhyme. Plan B: Kill her after you bang her.

 

fbetznerFRED: I don’t understand why that wasn’t Plan A in the first place. Stick with what you know, buddy!

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: At this point, I’d like to remind everyone of the RoundTable Thursday member confidentiality pledge, where we can’t share what is discussed here with anyone outside of the Act Classy family.  So please, no one should CALL the POLICE.

 

jiveturkeyThumb

JIVE TURKEY: I don’t see any way out of this one. In fact, I’m genuinely concerned for that Kennedy kid she’s latched onto these days. So young and already succumbing to the Kennedy Curse by way of a six-foot-tall blonde with aggressive veneers who probably joy-sobs after every BJ.

 

ADDI TWIGG: Come on, JT, be fair. Her veneers are perfectly docile.

Me, I’d keep it simple. I’d send a greeting card that best expresses my — OH GOD NOOOOOOOO

 

kdiddy-thumbKDIDDY: Bust out my pocket Kanye to interrupt her every time she opens her mouth.

 

Imma…never let you finish. No one wants that.

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: The only way to combat a weepy heartbreak twangy tween-friendly pop song being written about yourself?  Hire the band Gwar.  Write a speed-metal insult song about Taylor Swift before she can release her song.  Then fake your own death because she’s going to make the godforsaken song no matter what.

SECOND TOPIC!  Good news!  They’re making Looper 2: Even Loopier and they just cast you.  What celebrity plays younger you?  Please note what weird make-up they may require in order to look like you.

ADDI TWIGG: I’d suggest Tom Selleck, but that would be silly. My mustache as a 7 year old was far fuller and more luxurious!

 

Ne’er was there a first-grader with more robust chest hair.

bstephenson1BRAD: Younger me would be played by Abigail Breslin. There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you guys.

 

jiveturkeyThumbJIVE TURKEY: Can’t I just use Joseph Gordon Levitt? (Assuming I get to go back in time and do it to myself like in Time Traveler’s Wife?)

 

JoeLyonsThumb

JOE LYONS: Looper 2: Even Loopier

Staring Joe Lyons and the Pine Sol Lady as Young Joe
 
The Pine Sol Lady wears a green screen suit most of the time.
 
FINAL TOPIC!  We’ve all been in a handful of fistfights arguing over who won the debates last night.  How would you improve Presidential debates for the American public?

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: I think they should have to sword fight with their pee streams.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: That’s your answer for EVERYTHING!

 

kdiddy-thumbKDIDDY: Actual dick-measuring contest. Why dance around it any longer?

 

fbetznerFRED: Wait, I know we’re indemnified while advocating outright murder whilst at the Round Table, but if I were to point out that one of the nominees has a particular inborn advantage in Kelly’s proposed revision, am I still protected?

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: No, it’s OK. It’s just a fact that Mormons have giant penises. Their magic underwear makes then grow.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: {inches closer to RoundTable self-destruct button}

 

fbetznerFRED: OK, thank god! But not Mitt Romney’s god. The real one.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: You mean him?

 

jason-bernard-thumbJASON: Mitt Romney: dropping hot, sticky zingers all over America’s face.

 

JoeLyonsThumbJOE LYONS: {pushes self-destruct button}

 

bstephenson1BRAD STEPHENSON: Guys? Guys? I was in the bathroom solo sword fighting. What happened? 

 

BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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  • http://twitter.com/abbyfewdoor Abigail Fudor

    Why was everyone’s ‘younger them’ the other gender? I will go with (EMMY AWARD WINNER) Danny Strong. I mean, you see that right?

    • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

      Don’t you dare question us!!

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