Paul Ryan and Politics 101: Wriggling Out of a Horribly Botched Photo Op
Here in the good old USA we are in the midst of presidential election season — that most sacred of times when everybody eats crazy burgers, no one keeps their opinions to themselves, and your best friends become mindless racist sheep working to destroy everything you hold dear.
Naturally, it’s also the time for politicians to “get real” with the common folk. Time to prove to the electorate how not-fake they are by doing things that actual people do every day. Like milking cows, cutting down brush, and changing the oil in those fancy designer jets with their face on the wing.
Here’s an example from last week when Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan visited a soup kitchen in Ohio:
Awww, see that? That man knows how to get his hands dirty scrubbing pots. And there’s his wife Janna, humbly serving food to those less fortunate than she.
Ah, but see this is also a perfect example of that other election season chestnut: being totally fake.
That pot he’s scrubbing? Already clean. All those homeless people Janna is about to feed? They left before the Ryans got there. The Washington Post interviewed the kind folks who run the soup kitchen and they had this to say about the event:
The head of a northeast Ohio charity says that the Romney campaign last week “ramrodded their way” into the group’s Youngstown soup kitchen so that GOP vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan could get his picture taken washing dishes in the dining hall. “We’re a faith-based organization; we are apolitical because the majority of our funding is from private donations,” [Brian] Antal said in a phone interview Monday afternoon. “It’s strictly in our bylaws not to do it. They showed up there, and they did not have permission. They got one of the volunteers to open up the doors.”
Good old Ramrod Ryan! Now, this is hardly the first time a politician has been caught completely fabricating their authenticity, but since Ryan and his team seem to have no fucking clue what they’re doing, I’m going to lend them a hand with a few excuses for why he would be doing something so transparently phony.
Excuse #1 Paul Ryan has OCD
Paul Ryan needs to out himself as an Obsessive Compulsive individual. It could be exactly what this campaign needs right now. Who better to write budgetary policy for the whole country than someone who can’t see a perfectly clean pot without washing and drying it 40 times in a row? If he has to polish every door handle in the White House before every high level meeting, imagine how often he’ll check his math!
Excuse #2 Ayn Rand made him do it
Paul Ryan has been–until very recently–an avowed follower of objectivist philosopher Ayn Rand, who held selfishness above all other traits.
Ryan, knowing that those pots were cleaned by volunteers–an inherently selfless act–he arrived at the only logical conclusion: they did a really shitty job because they are moochers. Therefore, Ryan, a producer, had to step in and do it right.
Or something. I’ve never actually read Ayn Rand because given the choice between reading a 40-page monologue about the virtues of dickishness in a 1,000-page book and drinking all the cleaning supplies in my house, I’d probably flip a coin to decide.
Excuse #3 There was an unborn baby in that pan and he HAD to save it!
Little Emily Douglass was a tiny little adorable unborn baby being unscrupulously exploited by the socialist fascists at the communist free-food parlor. Paul Ryan heard her shouts for help from the street with his Super Fetus Sense (the same way he’ll prevent women from having abortions) and rushed inside to probe that pot and save her life.
Once he saw that she (just like every other fetus that has ever existed) looked like a bean, he nicknamed her Kidney and made her his new Director of Communications, because frankly someone had to go.
Excuse #4 That wasn’t Paul Ryan
If you look at that picture, and I mean really stare at it without blinking for like 25 minutes, you’ll see that something’s up.
The current theory is that an angry, unhinged, smiling-like-a-crazy person Joe Biden, who was really mean to Paul Ryan in the Vice Presidential debate last week, crafted a Paul Ryan suit using previously undisclosed technology and advanced hair plugs.
He then purposely posed for an embarrassing picture to humiliate Paul Ryan, because that’s how desperate Joe Biden is for power. Is that really someone you want running your country from the shadows like a puppet master? (That is what the Vice President does, right?)
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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