Welcome to Act Classy’s Off to a Bad Start! This is the only place on the Internet where I, Act Classy’s Joe Lyons, walk everyone through the precarious first moments of your favorite video games. This week, we look at the arcade staple Gauntlet. This is the game that famously allowed four players at a time and required the GDP of Burkina Faso in order to play it for an extended period of time. We start at the entrance of a menacing looking dungeon…
ADVENTURERS! I bid you many thanks for joining me, Merlin the Wizard, as we embark on a great quest.
Yes, Thor the Warrior! Adventure awaits! The dungeon behind me is a gauntlet of terrors, but great treasures await those who best it!
Enough of your empty words, Wizard! If there is treasure to be had than let us have at it!
I am Thyra the Valkyrie!
Pssh. Please, sister, the only difference between you and Thor is a mustache and a metal bra.
Please, Questor the Elf! Now is not the time for your sass. We must adventure!
You must stop saying that.
I know, I’m sorry.
Well, let’s get to it then. We’re burning daylight!
Uh, before we go, has everyone got their money satchels?
Good. For this dungeon holds a mighty curse! If you are to fall in the heat of battle, all of your wounds will be healed at the cost of the money you carry.
All I know is that the treasure will be worth it.
How many rooms are in this dungeon?
Many. Potentially hundreds.
Yeah, that’s a problem. I did a cost analysis on this lil’ gauntlet we’re about to embark upon and we may end up spending more than we could potentially walk away with.
NOT COST EFFECTIVE!
True, the cost of failure could be great, but that’s why we quest together! Together we are a formidable force!
Meh, I suppose, I guess.
It’s decided then! WE QUEST!
The loud one speaks true. I hunger as well.
I could stand some nibbles.
Did none of you eat before you got here?
Accursed fools! This is why we all formed together as part of the Low Blood Sugar Guild! We need to make sure we eat before we do these things!
Did you eat?
Bah! NO. OK, no! I forgot! I just got so excited about, you know, the gauntlet and…I just spaced on having lunch.
I hate to agree with one-volume over there, but I’m starting to get a little weak in the knees.
I, too, hunger. Does anyone have a Snickers?
Honey, if I had a Snickers, you’d better believe I’d be eating it right now.
I’m so hungry.
WARRIOR NEEDS FOOD BADLY!
Look! Look, there will be food in the dungeon, so if we hurry, we can get to the food, eat the food, and then slay monsters and get treasure.
I seriously feel like I’m dying.
I die as well.
No! Don’t do that. If you run out of money from just simply starving to death than we’ll never…oh, Christ, I need something to eat…
Yes, let’s hurry. You’ll all see random hunks of meat on the floor. Eat those.
DO YOU WANT TO DIE HERE BECAUSE OF YOUR LOW BLOOD SUGAR!? NOW WE’VE GOT TO QUEST BECAUSE THERE’S FOOD IN THERE, OK?!
THEN F&^%(#G MOVE IT! GET IN THE DUNGEON!!!!
I’LL EAT MANY FLOOR MEATS!
They quested for six minutes. It cost them $10,000.
Are there any other starting moments of video games you’d like us to examine? Leave your suggestions our classy comments box below!
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.