Off to a Bad Start

Published on October 5th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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Off to a Bad Start: Contra

Welcome to Act Classy’s Off to a Bad Start! This is the only place on the Internet where I, Act Classy’s Joe Lyons, walk everyone through the precarious first moments of your favorite video games. This week, we look at Contra, where two military vets are about to be air dropped into a dangerous situation…

Approaching target.  Five minutes until drop zone, Contra team.  Final personnel check, go.

Bill MAD DOG Rizer ready to kick ASS!!!!

Lance SCORPION Bean prepared to make some orphans and widows WOO!

Um…ok.

WOOO!!

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Stop that.

Whatever.

Man, Bill, I’m so glad we’re going back into the shit.

I know, man.  It’s been too long since we had the opportunity to just jump, feet first, into some jungle, and then rip into a bunch of bad guys with our machine guns and front flips.

You know it!

You gonna wear a shirt for this one?

NOPE!

BOOOYAH!!!  ME NEITHER!

4 minutes to alien hot zone.

AWWWWWWWWW  Ye…..what?

What did he just say?

Yo, pilot guy!  What was that last thing you just said.

4 minutes until alien hot zone.

Alien?

That’s what he said.  Did you read the mission brief?

What do I look like, a nerd?!

Yeah, me neither. Uh, pilot guy?

Sigh. Yes?

Where are we going?

A small island off the coast of South America.  That’s where the alien hive mind is.  The one that we’re sending you in to kill.

He said alien again.

So we’re not dropping into the jungle to shoot up a bunch of rebels or something?

No.  Aliens.  Weird lookin’ aliens.

I don’t understand.

Just look at the mission brief!

Give me that…

Subject: XZ44312.A

Shit.

What the hell is this?!

That’s one of the members of code name: Red Falcon.  That’s one of the things we need you to kill.

Uh, typically we specialize in blowing up huts.  Killing drug lords.  Shooting at helicopters…

That sort of thing…

Yes, that sort of thing.  This, this is way out of our pay scale.

Well, you’re going in anyway.

Can’t they send in anyone else?!

We have.  You guys will be the 39th and 40th special missions soldiers that we’re dropping in for this mission.

Well where are they?

Mostly eaten.  Some disemboweled.  Ha!  One guy actually got killed by getting crushed by a spike piston that came from, like, out of nowhere!  Hilarious.

God help us.

F%&k this!  I’ve only got my rifle.  What are you packing?

Just my rifle.

Uh, all we’ve got is rifles back here.  How are we supposed to murder aliens with these?

You’ll be able to find additional ordinance in the field that was left behind from the other guys that have been murdered.

What kind of ordinance?

Oh the standard military stuff.  Flame-ball throwers.  Lasers.  Machine guns that are like faster machine guns.

Any spready guns?

Oh yeah, there’s some spready guns down there.  You’re gonna want to get your hands on those.

Dibs on the spready gun.

DAMN IT!  Dude, I’m going to need that.

Well, I got dibs.

You and your legal mumbo jumbo!  I did not sign on for this!  Shooting aliens and fighting over guns is not what I had in mind when I agreed to do this mission!

I know!  The flyer they sent out for this was COMPLETELY misleading…

Only in the 80′s was jungle warfare so very sexy…

So very misleading.

Um, can’t we just blow up the island?

Yeah, use missiles.  Missiles will blow up the island more effectively than us.

No can do.  Lots of cocaine down there we don’t want to destroy.

Pause

2 minutes to drop zone.

I don’t wanna do this!!!

Get a hold of yourself, Lance!

Scorpion.

Get a hold of yourself, Scorpion!  We can do this.

What are you basing that on?!

I have no idea.

One minute to drop zone.

OhGodOhGodOhGod…

Look, Scorpion, we’ve got to get our heads in the game.  38 dudes have died before us, but so what?

So what?!

Yeah, so what!  We’re Mad Dog and Scorpion!  We’ve been doing this together for years.  Who flip jumps and shoots people better than anybody?!

Us?

You’re damn right, us!  Sure!  There’s aliens and monsters and all sorts of stuff we’ve never seen before…

Actually they kind of just look like the aliens from Alien, but with additional horns and stuff…

You know I wanted to say that too…

30 seconds…

You ready for this?!

Let’s do it!

It’s an honor to fight beside you, Lance.

I’ve always loved you, Bill.

What?

What?

Uh, anyway, secret best friends brothers-in-arms handshake?!

YEAH!

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, Bad Ass, Bad Ass, SELECT, START!

Jump!  GO!  GO!  GO!

Still got dibs on the spready gun.

SON OF A BITCH!

They were killed almost immediately.

Are there any other starting moments of video games you’d like us to examine? Leave your suggestions our classy comments box below!

Tags: Contra, featured, nintendo

About the Author

Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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