New Tech Round-Up: Cow Monitors and Robots Both Productive and Deadly
Good morning, Space Cadets! I just time-jumped back to the present from a river rafting trip on ancient Mars and boy…was it overrated. Just lots of red.
Anyway, I arrived back to find an inbox chock full of exciting advancements in applied science, so it looks like it’s time for another NEW TECH ROUND-UP!
Incoming Text From: Your Cow’s Vagina
Man! The life of a dairy farmer is HARD! They gotta get the milk out of those cows, and for the cows to produce milk they gotta be knocked up! But how can they tell when Bessie’s down to get down? I mean, it’s not like people have been raising cows and gathering their milk for 8,000 years and had already figured that out.
What are they going to do? Ask the cows? News Flash: cows can’t talk, dummy! THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!!!
No, seriously: THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY.
Well, now there is! Swiss company Anemon has invented a device that monitors the temperature of a cow’s vagina and sends you a text message when she’s ready for some sweet romancin’…in the form of you using a cold, lifeless, metal tube to keep her constantly with calf so we can quench our insatiable lust for moo juice.
Next up for Anemon, a chicken that Skypes you when it lays an egg, a horse with a built in GPS system, and a stud bull that tweets you blurry pictures of its penis when it’s ready to be serviced.
“R we doing this? Meat me bhind barn in 5. Bring bucket.”
Robot News Round-Up: Kinda Douchey Robot
Robots have been replacing hard-working American laborers for a few decades now, and it makes sense: they’re more precise, can work for longer hours, and tend to not leave a mess in the bathroom. And now that manufacturing is coming back to America, we need more robots to replace the workers we just rehired…wait…that seems wrong. Oh well…AMERICA!!!
Meet Baxter, the dickhole-bot that just stole your job.
“Oh Baxter! You are a gentleman!”
Baxter, from Rethink Robotics, has seven jointed arms and is covered with a soft foam so you can work standing next to him and not worry about getting a concussion as he flails about doing the work of ten men who can’t feed their families anymore. “Hey, Jerry — before you clean out your desk and file for unemployment for the fourth time this year, let’s take a picture for the company newsletter! It’ll be perfect for Cheryl’s ‘Kooky Korner!’”
“Smile! Oh, wait — Baxter has no lips and Jerry’s life is over. Cheeeeeese!”
The Latest in Horrifying Robot News
Regular readers of NTRU know how deeply terrified of killer robots we are. Robots in and of themselves are fine and sometimes cool, but for some reason, scientists seem intent on equipping them in ways that seem destined to kill us in all sorts of ironic ways.
Yet instead of ostracizing these people from society, instead we give them an trophy and $7,000. This is the award you get FOR MAKING A BOT THAT CAN BEAT HUMANS IN A DEATH MATCH!!!
It also doubles as an iPod speaker.
Now, these “bots” aren’t fully functional robots, just computer AI playing a death match in which all humans must be crushed, but for the first time the bots were actually indistinguishable from the human players. All we need is a metal death machine to put this bot into and the next thing you know we’re being crushed beneath their steel-toed everything!
Here are the winners of the 2012 2K BotPrize – you know, the ones who sold out humanity for $7,000.
Fuck you.
Seriously, Why Even Bother Trying to Survive
OK, so they can think like us, they can camouflage themselves, and crawl up your pants and down your throat, but come on! Robots are slow lumbering things that can’t even climb stairs!
GODDAMN IT!
Why?! Why bother? You know who can outrun that thing? Usain Bolt, the fastest person ever. That’s it. AND THIS IS JUST A PROTOTYPE! So I officially give up. I would now like bow to our robot masters and offer my services to them, seeing as I’ve been out of work ever since I was replaced by Barry the comedy robot. Oh, by the way, meet Barry, everyone.
c:>INITIATE BARRY…GOOD MORNING HUMANS. INCOMING HUMOROUS SERIES OF WORDS: QUESTION: WHAT DID THE HUMAN SAY TO THE ROBOT? ANSWER: NO, PLEASE DON’T CRUSH MY WINDPIPE, I HAVE A WIFE AND CHILDREN, SNAP GURGLE URINATE LOOSENING OF BOWELS.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I’LL BE HERE ALL FOREVER.
These stories came to my attention through cnet.com, if you’d like to learn more about them feel free to follow the links below. Be warned though, there are no cow penis jokes on the other side of these:
About the Author
Fred Betzner Fred Betzner spends his days silently staring out of windows in his castle, Le Château de Kangourou, and cursing his ill fate in severely broken French. He is considering changing his name to Molly.
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http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=752912994 Bernadette Ulsamer
