RoundTable Thursday, October 18, 2012: Fearless Felix, Apple Maps, and Halloween
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC! Felix Baumgartner proved this past weekend that a man can jump out of a space capsule in near-orbit and then plummet to Earth, breaking the sound barrier, and live to tell the tale. He did this because science. What’s the next dangerous thing he should undertake?
ADDI TWIGG: JAZZERCISE.
You’re a monster, Addi Twigg! A MONSTER!
JASON: Eat a PB&J with a side of cheese curls, and then IMMEDIATELY go swimming (just to shut my mom up).
KDIDDY: Yes! Take on all old wives’ tales. I would like Felix to show my grandmother that reading on the toilet will not give you hemorrhoids.
JIVE TURKEY: I want to see what happens when he goes outside in winter with damp hair. And what happens when he gives the milk away for free.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’d like to see him sit through an entire episode of the CW’s new Beauty and the Beast TV series.
JOE LYONS: That’s cruel and unusual, Brad. No man should ever be subjected to that. Personally, I just want to see if any human being would be capable of watching TLC for more than 2 hours at a time without going insane.
SECOND TOPIC! You’ve been using Apple Maps to get to work. Where did you actually end up?
FRED: Well after writing Apple a strongly worded letter regarding my Maps App stearing me not to the Scenic Bear Cave where one can view bears in thier natural habitat frolicing and eating venison, but instead to a cave with an entirely different kind of bear eating an entirely different kind of meat, they sent me a replacement for the app. It was a magic golden flute and it came with this instructional video:
I kinda wish I’d gotten a Samsung.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I ended up in the Phantom Zone with General Zod, Ursa and Non.
You do NOT want to be in there when Zod has Chipotle for lunch.
KDIDDY: Your mom’s house. So I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Seems to work just fine to me.
JASON: I keep ending up at Brad’s work. Which was fine at first, but the view inside a rest stop bathroom never changes, you know?
JIVE TURKEY: Apple Maps took me to work, bought me a hot chocolate out of the machine, set me up at a small table with some post-it notes and dry erase markers to draw with, and told me to be quiet because it had a lot of work to get done. It’s OK though — Apple Maps promised I could play Minesweeper in a little bit, and said we might get to go to Arby’s for lunch.
ADDI TWIGG: Mine drove me to Google’s Pittsburgh office and directed me to park the car and pop the trunk. Turns out there’s a bomb in here, but I’m not too worried because the timer just keeps blinking “recalculating.”
MOLLY M.: Oh Jesus…I ended up back at the Act Classy roundtable…
JOE LYONS: Which is the last place anyone would want to end up.
Personally, I have decided to just not leave the house anymore because I think my Apple Maps app has switched coffee houses with ravines, hospitals with currently burning forest fires, and my house with the black market organ farm that I am currently incapable of escaping from.
FINAL TOPIC!!! Halloween is right around the corner. What are you dressing up as?
BRAD STEPHENSON: I am either going to be Jerry Sandusky’s mangled prison butthole or one of the Care Bears.
JIVE TURKEY: Why not both? Mangled Butthole bear might just take off and be manufactured as part of the Care Bears family of products. It will at least give Jerry something soft to clutch and scream into…although that’s what got him in trouble the first time. Oh, dear.
ADDI TWIGG: I’ll be going as a slutty botched Jesus painting.
KDIDDY: Sexy space jumper. Guess where the parachute comes from.
MOLLY M.: Alex Karras. The kids will love it.
Yeah, but I hear Emmanuel Lewis rentals are astronomical.
JOE LYONS: Too soon.
Me? Since I’m going to numerous parties, I’m going as all of Tyler Perry’s non-Madea characters.
MOLLY M.: So you’re going as Alex Cross?
JOE LYONS: Absolutely. Hey we should go together as Alex Cross and Alex Karras and confuse everyone.
I also smell a potential buddy comedy in our future…
BRAD STEPHENSON: You should go as Karass-Cross, which would just be Alex Karass and Alex Cross with backwards clothes on.
ADDI TWIGG: That suggestion is wiggida wiggida wiggida wack.
This edition of RoundTable Thursday has been totally krossed out.
About the Author
Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.
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