Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Hulk Hogan Sex Tape
Sex tapes. In this day and age, they are no longer a taboo subject. In fact, 99.9% of the people reading this right now possess of a video tape of themselves in flagrante delicto. The other .01% are currently filming one. It’s a well documented reality that these tapes are virtually IMPOSSIBLE to hold on to. Sure, you could store them somewhere safe or just erase them after the thrill is over and you realize you have no desire to see yourself from an unnatural angle, but we all know that it would be fruitless. Sex tapes practically release themselves. But every once and a while a sex tape comes out that chills society to its core — a sex tape of such unmitigated terror that it sends people out into the street crying and swearing never to use their eyes for looking at things again. This past week, the world was treated to such a sex tape…Hulk Hogan’s sex tape.
I’m nearly frictionless, brother!
The tape is truly terrifying. It features the former wrestling/reality show patriarch/Rocky III villain in the midst of sexual acts with the ex-wife of his (presumably former) friend, Bubba the Love Sponge (I wish I was making that up). I wouldn’t recommend seeing this tape even if you had a prescription for it. But I work on the Internet, and when you work on the Internet, sometimes you have to take one for the team. So, in the interest of public service and for the good of mankind, I watched the tape so you don’t have to. Now it’s my nauseating pleasure to present to you The Top 17 Most Horrifying Things About the Hulk Hogan Sex Tape!
1. He spent an alarming amount of time smashing her head into a turnbuckle.
2. At one point, the Ultimate Warrior ran past the camera several times.
3. Before some of the more graphic moments, he made sure the woman had trained, said her prayers, and took her vitamins.
4. He ripped through 47 shirts before he was officially nude.
5. We all got to see the unimaginable reality of what happens to a naked man after he enters a state of “Hulkmania.”
6. Hogan keeps looking around for someone to tag him out.
Which is weird since he carb-loaded beforehand…
7. He calls…it…”Thunder in Paradise.”
8. It got awkward when he kept calling her “Miss Elizabeth.”
9. At one point I blacked out, and when I came to, I thought I was watching a show on Animal Planet depicting a pink, hairless, albino orangutan murdering a grandma.
10. Who makes a steel cage that only goes around a bed?!
11. Halfway through the tape, he held up his hand to his ear and leaned in towards his partner’s…region…
I CAN’T HEAR U…TERUS!
12. I wish some holds were barred.
13. Tiny yellow Speedo? YEP!
14. I had no idea how essential steel folding chairs were to foreplay.
15. Operating the camera? The Iron Sheik.
16. It was sweet of him to offer her the Continental Title belt to her after it all came to a nowhere-near-soon-enough end.
17. His genitals have the same hairline.
Same hairline AND mustache, Mean Gene!
So, bad news, you’re all sterile now. Have you seen the tape? Want to point out anything that I missed? Leave your terrifying realizations in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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http://www.facebook.com/rich.dollish Rich Dollish
