Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Fearless Felix and the Space Jump!
Science. The pursuit of science is a thing that countless people devote their lives to. To further science is to further humanity. Since the dawn of time, man has worked towards unlocking the wonders and mysteries of the universe. To love science is to love the very fabric of life itself. And it’s the pursuit of science and wonder than compelled a man to jump out of a capsule from 128,000 feet up in the sky.
Did I pack a what-a-chute?!
That’s right! This past weekend, Australian daredevil Felix Baumgartner, a.k.a Fearless Felix, jumped out of a space capsule from orbit, broke the sound barrier before opening his parachute, and then landed safely on the ground. Never has someone put themselves in such great danger in the name of science since 1847, when Dr. Farnsworth Pilkington attempted to prove that a man can’t be killed by a train if it’s moving at a pace greater than that of 20 horses (he was obliterated). But why do this? Why put your life at such a great risk all in the name of science and Red Bull? Oh, you – you’re so stupid. Science learned VOLUMES from this landmark space jump. More than can be contained in one post! So it gives us great pleasure to bring to you the Top 17 Things Science Learned from Fearless Felix’s Space Jump!
1. While falling at the speed of sound, your swears will hit the ground 15 seconds after you do.
2. Consumption of douche-y energy drinks will allow you to float harmlessly to the ground at the expense of healthy kidneys.
3. Since Fearless Felix is Australian, he plummeted in a counterclockwise direction.
4. The exact airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow is still a mystery.
5. The size of one’s testicles is in direct inverse proportion to that of one’s life expectancy.
6. Falling from orbit will permanently do this to your hair.
Don’t hate me because I’m orbital.
7. Not only was he high as a kite, he managed to burn out his fuse up there alone.
8. James Bond completely ripped off the scientific term “Skyfall.”
9. From now on, space shuttles only have to worry about getting up there. Those wuss astronauts can just jump when it’s time to come home.
10. Red Bull does not give you wings.
11. Surviving a sonic boom is a lot like sitting through an entire episode of the Wendy Williams Show, in that you end up disoriented and full of regret.
12. There is now a formula that can accurately determine how much of the world will watch something based on the likelihood of someone dying a spectacular death.
13. Parachute awareness is up 15 percent.
14. The U.S. Government is now all clear to start up The Missile Men.
15. The numbers show that Terminal Velocity is still a terrible movie.
16. Upon further after-the-fact analysis, had Fearless Felix hit the ground, he would have created an extinction level event. So, whoops, I guess.
17. Your body may be at Mach 1, but your poop enters your pants at Mach 12.
Consider yourselves educated. Did you learn anything from Fearless Felix’s space jump? Post your discoveries in our classy comments section below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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