Published on October 3rd, 2012 | by Joe Lyons0
Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Arnold Schwarzenegger Tells All!
Movie stars. They’re just like you and me. They live their lives. They mess up from time to time. They have their love children revealed in front of the entire world. It’s something we can all relate to. So it’s always a great deal of fun for me to read the tell-all books that celebrities publish so I can relate to them as they go through life’s little problems, like buying a hovercraft and losing more money to their cocaine dealer than I’ll make in 25 years .
Well, this week Arnold Schwarzenegger, the mother of all movie stars, just released his very own tell-all biography, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. Boy oh boy, is this book full of bombshells! Who knew that ridiculously famous Austrian bodybuilder movie star governors led such fascinating lives?! Well, we here at Act Classy’s Celebrity Research and Soft Pretzel Taste Amplification Laboratories have pored over every single page of Arnold’s tell-all so you don’t have to. We do it because we care…and because 75% of us are actively trying to get fired from our jobs. So, without further ado, we present to you the Top 17 Shocking Revelations from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Autobiography!
1. When Arnold was born he was an enormous baby, but his mother did not have any difficulty in labor. Passing the fetal broadsword, however, was…unpleasant.
2. Up until 2004, Arnold could not actually speak any English.
3. Before the publishing of this book, Hercules In New York was the closest thing to a Schwarzenegger autobiography.
4. It turns out Commando is Arnold’s personal favorite film because that was the one where the most stuntmen died.
5. Arnold is the one who deafened Lou Ferrigno.
6. Arnold openly admits to the love affair and child he had with his family’s maid. What never made it to the press was the child he had with the gardener, the loan he applied for with the chef, the short play he co-wrote with the nanny, and the VCR he raped.
7. Arnold initially agreed to do Red Heat because he thought it was a pro-Soviet Cold War film.
8. The Terminator was originally supposed to be a fun-loving cyborg from the future who showed people how to embrace true love. Extensive re-writes were required when Arnold wouldn’t stop bringing guns to the set.
9. Arnold’s baby bump in Junior was played by one of his biceps trying to escape his body.
10. Enough women have been inappropriately fondled by Arnold to completely populate the state of Maine.
11. Arnold petitioned that the original name of the Hummer be the Schweidenzeingflerdschantzenglruningding, which is Austrian for “Earth destroying horse cart for the presumption of engorged genitalia.”
12. Danny DeVito had to move out of California since Arnold wanted him put under house arrest in the event that Arnold should need an organ from his twin brother.
13. A good deal of Arnold’s philandering was witnessed by Maria Shriver because he didn’t know she was there after she turned sideways.
14. Before each day of shooting on Kindergarten Cop, Arnold would eat a live horse in front of the child actors.
15. In California, saying the words “Last Action Hero” became an executable offense.
16. As Governor, his first act was an attempted declaration of war against the Hard Rock Cafe in order to protect the embattled peoples of Planet Hollywood.
17. It was, in fact, a tumor.
Man, that’s a lot of all to tell. Know of any other Arnold Schwarzenegger secrets that need to be shared? Leave them in our classy comments section below!