Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: Arnold Schwarzenegger Tells All!
Movie stars. They’re just like you and me. They live their lives. They mess up from time to time. They have their love children revealed in front of the entire world. It’s something we can all relate to. So it’s always a great deal of fun for me to read the tell-all books that celebrities publish so I can relate to them as they go through life’s little problems, like buying a hovercraft and losing more money to their cocaine dealer than I’ll make in 25 years .
All I know is, everything will always be great for me.
Well, this week Arnold Schwarzenegger, the mother of all movie stars, just released his very own tell-all biography, Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story. Boy oh boy, is this book full of bombshells! Who knew that ridiculously famous Austrian bodybuilder movie star governors led such fascinating lives?! Well, we here at Act Classy’s Celebrity Research and Soft Pretzel Taste Amplification Laboratories have pored over every single page of Arnold’s tell-all so you don’t have to. We do it because we care…and because 75% of us are actively trying to get fired from our jobs. So, without further ado, we present to you the Top 17 Shocking Revelations from Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Autobiography!
He had to name it this after “Jingle All the Way: You Won’t Believe All of the F$%^ed Up S%!t I’ve Been Up To” was already taken and copyrighted by Bob Newhart.
1. When Arnold was born he was an enormous baby, but his mother did not have any difficulty in labor. Passing the fetal broadsword, however, was…unpleasant.
2. Up until 2004, Arnold could not actually speak any English.
3. Before the publishing of this book, Hercules In New York was the closest thing to a Schwarzenegger autobiography.
4. It turns out Commando is Arnold’s personal favorite film because that was the one where the most stuntmen died.
5. Arnold is the one who deafened Lou Ferrigno.
6. Arnold openly admits to the love affair and child he had with his family’s maid. What never made it to the press was the child he had with the gardener, the loan he applied for with the chef, the short play he co-wrote with the nanny, and the VCR he raped.
The only way to cool down after a workout is to smoke pot and molest a plate of chicken.
7. Arnold initially agreed to do Red Heat because he thought it was a pro-Soviet Cold War film.
8. The Terminator was originally supposed to be a fun-loving cyborg from the future who showed people how to embrace true love. Extensive re-writes were required when Arnold wouldn’t stop bringing guns to the set.
9. Arnold’s baby bump in Junior was played by one of his biceps trying to escape his body.
10. Enough women have been inappropriately fondled by Arnold to completely populate the state of Maine.
11. Arnold petitioned that the original name of the Hummer be the Schweidenzeingflerdschantzenglruningding, which is Austrian for “Earth destroying horse cart for the presumption of engorged genitalia.”
12. Danny DeVito had to move out of California since Arnold wanted him put under house arrest in the event that Arnold should need an organ from his twin brother.
13. A good deal of Arnold’s philandering was witnessed by Maria Shriver because he didn’t know she was there after she turned sideways.
DAMN IT, MARIA! GET A THIRD DIMENSION!!!
14. Before each day of shooting on Kindergarten Cop, Arnold would eat a live horse in front of the child actors.
15. In California, saying the words “Last Action Hero” became an executable offense.
16. As Governor, his first act was an attempted declaration of war against the Hard Rock Cafe in order to protect the embattled peoples of Planet Hollywood.
17. It was, in fact, a tumor.
THE PROPHECY HAS COME TO PASS!
Man, that’s a lot of all to tell. Know of any other Arnold Schwarzenegger secrets that need to be shared? Leave them in our classy comments section below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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