Published on September 10th, 2012 | by Fred Betzner0
Weekly News Flash: DADT Repeal — Don’t Ask, Don’t Worry
The following news stories are true. Jokes have been added where inappropriate because the author is a dick.
A recent exhaustive survey of military personnel has proven what people who aren’t filled with hate at the thought of two dudes kissing have known all along: the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” didn’t do anything to the military except stop forcing people to lie about themselves.
According to The Huffington Post, a report by The Palm Center, “a research branch of the Williams Institute at University of California Los Angeles Law School, found that there has been no overall negative impact on military readiness, unit cohesion, recruitment, retention or morale.”
This report proves that 31 Senators, 175 Congressmen, more than 1,000 military officers, and Rush Limbaugh really had no idea what they were talking about. They predicted the DADT repeal would cause a world ending cluster-fuck of awful including increased sexual assaults, an increase in HIV-AIDS infections, a complete breakdown of unit cohesion, adopting assless chaps as appropriate military dress, forcing new recruits to watch (and enjoy) 16 straight hours of Glee, mandatory participation in show tune sing-a-longs, and a staggering increase of purple.
Now that none of these dire predictions have occurred, one cannot help but wonder if the over-the-top arguments against legalizing same-sex marriages will prove to be similarly ridiculous. And since this report augurs well for such marriages, this reporter has invested his entire life savings in rainbow-colored tuxedo futures. Other hot stock tips: homosexual wedding cake toppers, “His” and “His” monogrammed towel sets, lady-sized suits and male-sized veils, and Boy George wedding cover bands.