Welcome to the Future ostrich-pillow

Published on September 19th, 2012 | by Jive Turkey

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The Ostrich Pillow Is Here To Turn All Your Naps Into Nightmares

Internet, I think it’s time I tell you that I think ostriches are deeply terrifying creatures.

Fuck. That. Jurassic-Park-looking. Shit.

I do, however, love napping as much (or possibly more) than I fear nature’s awkward ERMAHGERD BIRD, which is why I’m deeply upset over the newest craze in Weird Shit That Belongs in Skymall: the Ostrich Pillow.

No, that’s not what appears to be a plush version of an old-timey deep sea diver’s helmet, it’s actually a…well, OK, it’s a plush version of an old-timey deep sea diver’s helmet, but you’re not supposed to dive in it, you’re supposed to nap in it. Like this:

Are you…are you jerking off in there?

Or this:

Please note all the people in the security line back there who are staring and PRAYING TO CHRIST they don’t have to sit next to this weirdo on the plane.

One part pillow and two parts Elephant Man hood, the Ostrich Pillow was developed by architecture and design firm Kawamura-Ganjavian, which I imagine to be staffed entirely with people who want to embarrass their friends and family. I mean, come on — how else can you explain this thing?

Can you pick me up some chips at Hudson News? I’m just gonna turn into a gourd real quick.

My friends, as I said before, I love naps. I can (and will) sleep anywhere, and indeed I have scored a power nap or two on airport benches, in parked cars, and sprawled out in a corner booth at Denny’s. True, I was a little drunk for that last one, but it is my understanding that you aren’t allowed inside Denny’s unless you’ve ingested at least 16 oz. of hard liquor.

How else do you explain the cheese stick melt?

But even a seasoned napper like myself has to draw the line at the Ostrich Pillow. Besides looking absolutely ridiculous, I am entirely certain that five minutes in that thing would leave your head a matted, sweaty mess. Nothing about it looks comfortable, unless, of course, your idea of relaxation is kicking it Guantanamo-style.

GRAR RAR RAR RARRF GRAR RAR RARRF…sir? Sir? Are you SLEEPING?!

It appears I’m in the minority, though, because the Ostrich Pillow’s Kickstarter campaign is clicking steadily forward to its $70,000 goal. Like it or not, the Ostrich Pillow may very well be the future of napping.

At the very least, it will definitely be the future of Pillows People Do It With.

 

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About the Author

Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.


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  • http://twitter.com/me_mumstheword Elizabeth Snell

    That thing reminds me of the squid head guy from Star Wars!

    • JiveTurkeyJones

      ELIZABETH! That is exactly what I was trying to think of when I was writing this. I kept getting reminded of SOMETHING and I couldn’t figure out what. Now I’m freshly disturbed all over again.

    • http://www.twitter.com/bstephenson Brad Stephenson

      HA! Quarren!

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