Soul Food: Actual Chicken Soup for the Soul And Other Terrible Ideas

If you’ve ever 1) had a birthday, 2) participated in a workplace Secret Santa exchange, or 3) have an elderly aunt, chances are you’ve been given a copy of one of the many Chicken Soup for the Soul variations. You know the books I’m talking about, right?

Gross.

As if being assaulted by these books (and their inspiration poster and day-by-day desk calendar counterparts) wasn’t enough, we now have to brace ourselves for what we should’ve foreseen as the inevitable: actual Chicken Soup for the Soul. As in SOUP YOU CAN EAT. So, really, Chicken Soup for the mouth, esophagus, stomach, small and large intestine, and–eventually–anus.

Always there for you! REPLACE HUMAN INTERACTION WITH FOOD WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Guys, I’m not even making this up. This bullshit is set to launch in 2013 and will feature an initial line of seven soups, including creamy tomato, mushroom barley, squash, and sweet corn (because there’s nothing more comforting than ingesting grains that you’ll see later in the turlet). What’s even more ~~interesting~~ depressing is that the line will be expanded in 2014 to include pot pies, casseroles, stews, and gravies. Basically, the Chicken Soup for the Soul people will be primarily responsible for the fact that you won’t live long enough to meet your grandchildren.

I started thinking about how other companies might profit from embracing a similar “for the soul” approach, and I threw together a couple possible ideas:

Hm. Seems to be lacking something. Perhaps the key isn’t to present foodstuffs especially for specific body parts? Let’s try a different approach:

I think we’re getting warmer here.

KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.

(P.S. I was very disappointed to learn that inserting kale into your person will not reverse the effects of an unfortunate sexual encounter.)

Nailed it.

Have any other ideas for comfort food based on inspirational, emotionally moving anecdotes about shit that probably never really happened because the human race is a bunch of selfish assfaces? Leave them in the comments!

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Tags: books, chicken soup, chicken soup for the soul, featured, food

About the Author

Jive Turkey Jive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.