RoundTable Thursday, September 6, 2012: You Are Not the Unemployed Father of This Farting Baby Doll
Ain’t no Thursday like a RoundTable Thursday, ’cause a RoundTable Thursday is mandatory in accordance with your poorly written and legally-grey contracts.
JOE: FIRST TOPIC!!! This man, in an attempt to get his wife a job, had this billboard made:
One can assume that the phone calls from employers/potential suitors/prospective abductors are already pouring in. Please paint a word picture for me of the billboard you would make for yourself in order to gain employment.
JIVE TURKEY:I’d use my RoundTable Thursday avatar along with three succinct bullet points:
Efficient and detail-oriented
Cool with sexual harassment as long as free sodas are provided (and none of that Sam’s Choice shit)
If I have to drink Dr. Thunder? I will never touch your Dr. Thunder.
BRAD: My billboard would be a picture of me awkwardly getting into a bathtub naked with the following bullets:
Defecates on command
Good with Excel
Don’t Tread on Me
KDIDDY:I’d have a picture of my Juggalo alternate personality, Keluggalo420, and list some of my qualities and skills, including:
Getting fucked up
Perpetuating my self-imposed persecution as part of the larger Juggalo “family” by acting like an asshole and then being surprised when people get annoyed
Being able to smoke weed out of anything that will stand still
Ms. Luggalo, tell me how you might use your time management skills to handle two Faygo bottles at once.
Encl: All the information you need
ADDI: The photo below would take up half the billboard with my technical skills on the other half:
Winning combination of big fingers/small orifices.
Totally knows how to work one of those computerized contraptions, promise.
Doesn’t mind if you clip your nails in the office, and no, that most certainly is NOT a baggie of toenail clippings in my briefcase, don’t be absurd! It’s fingernail clippings.
I don’t do anything weird with them! I just make them into fingernail brandy. IT’S CALLED BEING WELL-ROUNDED.
JOE: My ideal billboard would have a picture of me wearing the costume from The Greatest American Hero with both of my thumbs up and fireworks are shooting out of the thumbs, like they do naturally already. The text would read:
JOE LYONS! The man for the job you need done! Shut up and hire him! He’s:
A Gentle Lover
Comes with his own stapler
Hire Joe or go to Hell!
SECOND TOPIC!!! Maury Povich just declared that you are, in fact, not the father. Please describe your victory rant and accompanying dance.
JIVE TURKEY:Why tell you when I can show you?
(I will require the assistance of two other people to properly execute my move.)
BRAD:I would celebrate by immediately planting my seed in every female member of the audience. Then I’d be on the show 107 more times.
And NO, I can’t have sex with 107 women back-to-back. That’s crazy. I wear a refrigerated trench coat filled with vials of my sperm.
Then I would totally fight Maury Povich on the surface of the sun with an awesome sword, using the power I absorbed from battling Montel Williams.
I’m pretty sure I might be the Highlander.
KDIDDY: Some version of what ODB says here, because he is my spirit animal.
ADDI: I’d Truffle Shuffle my way outta there, hit Kentaco Hut drive-thru on the way home, and Eat Pray Sob my way through writing a stack of child support checks for the 11 bastards that definitely ARE mine.
JOE: My victory dance, rant and song? Just Gangnam Style. Everything in my life is Gangnam Style right now.
FINAL TOPIC! Here’s a commercial from South Korea that features Kong Suni, a farting baby doll!
Please translate this commercial for me.
Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam tlhIngan maH! tlhIngan maH
Kong Suni! qoSlIj DatIvjaj Kong Suni!’arlogh Qoylu’pu’
JOE: I’m just surprised Klingons have so many different words for “fart.”
JIVE TURKEY:Sorry for the lapse in response. I’ve been watching that commercial in a loop for the past seven hours. I haven’t been able to figure out the translation, but I’m pretty sure I’m having a seizure right now.
ADDI: Stay calm! There is a doll that has seizures, too.
JOE: Ah yes! KiKi Nakimori, a.k.a. My Seizure Sweetie.
I believe her jingle goes:
Seizures fill your life with shame
But no fears, you’re not to blame
Kiki Nakimori spits and shakes
Thanks to medical reasons that can probably traced back to her ancestors
BRAD: I have reviewed the farting baby doll commercial, and if my Korean serves me correctly, the translation is:
Look at me I fart and poop,
Someday you’ll have to be a real parent,
Then this won’t be so funny.
Baby shit smells like big people shit,
But instead of being in a toilet, it’s usually up my back and on your furniture.
Jive TurkeyJive Turkey lives in Pittsburgh, PA where she believes in the power of her dreams. A whimsical soul who was once called "just plain nasty" by an employee of the New Jersey DMV, Jive Turkey works as an actor, blogger (Jive Turkey, MamaPop, Pay it Forward), and playwright to support her passion for secretarial work. Her favorite pastimes include motherhood, frenching, and fostering a healthy grudge against the Sears Portrait Studio. She sincerely hopes you have a bitchin' summer.