RoundTable Thursday, 9/20/12: Naughty Royal Bits and Nick Versus Disney
RoundTable Thursday: For when your friends won’t talk to you anymore.
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC! The Royal Family is losing their minds after a tabloid obtained photos of Kate Middleton’s boobies. How would you diffuse this whole scandal?
KDIDDY: Deflect attention by circulating pictures of the Queen’s penis. (The Queenis?)
FRED:They need to get out ahead of not only this but all future embarrassments. They should quickly release high quality shots of all the Duchess’s naughty bits, including the special ones that you get whenever a commoner marries into the royal family.
They then need to release a sex tape, video of her using racial slurs, backing her car over a chimney sweep and then driving off, her setting fire to one of London’s 6,000 orphanages, smoking crystal meth, and hugging Mitt Romney (they HATE him in England).
“Hey — where’s that Oliver Twist kid? I love showing the poors pictures of my dancing horse who lives better than they ever will.”
BRAD STEPHENSON: It’s fine. The new season of Downton Abbey just premiered over there, so people won’t even care about Kate Middleton’s…wait…boobies, did you say? Link, please.
JOE LYONS: No. Never. I’m afraid they’ll get taken down and I need all of the links for myself.
JIVE TURKEY: Guys. Are we sure that Kate Middleton’s actual breasts were exposed? Isn’t “breasts” just the British word for apartment or truck or cookie or elevator or something? (I ask because I call my vagina the lorry flat biscuit lift).
ADDI TWIGG: It’s definitely not the word for cookie. Trust me, I’ve already looked for those photos. As for diffusing the situation, I agree that a distraction is the best plan of attack. Maybe just gently remind the universe that her sister’s name is f&*#ing PIPPA?
JOE: If you ask me, the Royal Family should just all go on camera, look at the topless pics, look at each other in awkward silence for a good 45 seconds, and then pretend like this is all part of a Ricky Gervais comedy.
SECOND TOPIC! Lindsay Lohan, in an attempt to Out-Lindsay Amanda Bynes, just hit somebody with her car in New York. This is bringing to light something alarming that I didn’t know existed. Apparently there is an intense feud between former Nickelodeon stars and former Disney stars. My question to you is this, who wins, Nickelodeon or Disney? Why?
FRED: In a battle between Ren & Stimpy and Phineas & Ferb, I’ll take Ren & Stimpy any day.
Also, did Annette Funicello and Hayley Mills go around 1950′s Hollywood throwing up on cops and flashing their Spin and Marty’s for the world to see, or is this solely a 21st century problem?
JIVE TURKEY: Nickelodeon, all day, every day. Old-school Nick was responsible for bringing us things like Turkey TV (which included clips of stand-up comedians, including Dana Carvey) and the quintessential kid-friendly sketch comedy show, You Can’t Do That on Television. I admit that I’m not too familiar with their current programming, but hey, at least they weren’t founded by a guy who hated Jews.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
BRAD: Well, that depends. Will the Disney people thaw out Walt’s head and attach it to a cyborg body that will crush everyone within 500 feet of a Nickelodeon celeb?
ADDI TWIGG: At this point, I would vote Nickelodeon. I am DESPERATE for a new album from former Mouseketeer Justin Timberlake, and we all know that poor sap can only produce when he’s down and out.
JOE:Nickelodeon. Always. Green slime triumphs over all things.
FINAL TOPIC!!! Are you going to eat all of that?
KDIDDY: That’s what she said.
JIVE TURKEY: Motion to close the discussion? No one is topping that.
JOE LYONS: Oh, God, close it! CLOSE IT QUICK!
(another thing that she also said)
BRAD: Seconded. Though I do need clarification on what “she” said…the green slime thing or the eating all that thing.
KDIDDY: Eating all that thang.
Actually, let me revise my statement: I will eat all that thing, but only if I can wear this while doing so:
BRAD: Only if I can wear this while watching you eat all of it:
ADDI TWIGG: Yes, I AM going to eat all that. And by “all that” I mean my own eyeballs because NOPE.