RoundTable Thursday, 9/13/12: Where In The World Is Xi Jinping?
The Table is Round but the participants are square. It’s RoundTable Thursday!
JOE LYONS: FIRST TOPIC! Seeing as how we’re all going to be Internet famous ANY DAY NOW, what is the first poor decision you plan to make with your new-found fame?
JIVE TURKEY: Boning Taylor Swift and then dumping her, which will inevitably result in her unleashing more terrible break-up songs on the world. I’m sorry, everyone.
BRAD STEPHENSON: I’m just going to celebrate my fame by watching JT bone Taylor Swift… as long as Taylor Swift doesn’t sing during her happy-happy woo hoo moment.
ADDI TWIGG:I would do what any self-respecting pseudo-famous person does: make a sex tape (of Jive Turkey and Taylor Swift, OBVIOUSLY).
None of us like you for your music. You’re just going to have to live with that.
FRED BETZNER: I would start a Twitter war with all or most of the Kardashians that would then quickly turn into a real war with tanks and such. Then I’d take out Pauly Shore because of the 90s and wait for all the medals to come rollin’ in.
Also, Addi, how can I invest everything I own in your Jive/Taylor sex tape business? Keep in mind that everything I own consists of a broom autographed by Jason Alexander and a complete set of Gremlins 2 trading cards.
JOE: I’ve seen those trading cards and THEY ARE PRISTINE. Start making copies of the sex tapes immediately.
Me? Three words. Solid. Gold. Segways.
And monkey butlers.
SECOND TOPIC! The soon-to-be President of China, Xi Jinping, is currently missing. Where is he and what is he doing?
BRAD: He is obviously playing the leader of another country right now in a Mrs. Doubtfire-style switcheroo. He is most likely Vladimir Putin right now during the EU pricing dispute. When he’s needed back in China, he’ll pull off the Putin mask and be ready to roll.
I base everything in my life around Mrs. Doubtfire.
“Zdrastvuyte, deary!”
JIVE TURKEY: He is clearly bowing under the pressure of his impending presidency and has holed up in the linen closet with a case of Heineken and some porn with the intentions of jinping until he passes out or throws up. Or, as Brad Stephenson likes to call it: Thursday.
BRAD: IT’S THURSDAY! Shit, I need to go. There’s a closet with my name on it. And also my DNA.
FRED: I have it on good authority that he is currently at a New President/Dictator Retreat and Group Building Seminar with Neighbor and new BFF Kim Jong Un of North Korea.
They have spent the last weekend doing trust falls, combing each other’s hair, communing with their spirit animals (Jong Un’s is a panda, Jinping’s is a water buffalo), and discussing strategies on how to further isolate their respective populations from the outside world while cracking down on free-thinking dissidents who are just jealous of their very special friendship.
ADDI: Actually, I just received word… he has been… RIGHT HERE THE WHOLE TIME, YOU FOOLS! Ha-HA! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR IT and also a water buffalo? Really? Come onnnn, I’m more honey badger, don’t you think?
Seriously though, I killed your friend Addi so I could hijack this thread. So I guess what I’m getting at is… well… can I start contributing to Act Classy? You’re down a writer.
JOE: GODDAMN IT! I can’t count all of the writers we’ve lost to hiding world readers looking to play a prank on us. It’s ridiculous. Let’s take a moment to pause and reflect on some of the Act Classy writers who have been killed by famous people.
RIP Mark Porchwhistle — obliterated by the swamp fan boat that Karolos Papoulias was joyriding on.
“Opa!”
Guys, who else did we lose?
JIVE TURKEY: Still reeling from the loss of Professor Pebbles, the monitor lizard who used to write our sex advice column (accidentally suffocated while trying a choke-n-jerk).
FRED: Ah, he loved the Carradine Special. Remember that time he ate his predecessor, Milton P. McGrabsalot?
Honestly I’m glad Pebbles is dead — he was always giving me the shifty eye. Wasn’t ever sure if he was mentally undressing me or was just hungry.
BRAD: What about that homeless guy, Dixie, who used to rub our feet while we wrote? Remember when MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough beat him to death with a golf club?
JOE: Oh man! Dixie was great! I mean he/she shouldn’t have provoked Mr. Scarborough like that, but he/she will be missed.
FINAL TOPIC! Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have split up, forever damaging comedy and ruining love for everyone. How are you coping?
ADDI: Uh, HELLO, why do you people think I’ve been in hiding? Who can focus on important political matters when our beloved Amyill Poenett is on the outs? The Communist Party of China deserves better.
JIVE TURKEY: Oh, please. As I was just telling my life-size Charlize Theron doll right before I gave her a bath and fucked her, I think it’s silly to become emotionally invested when it comes to celebrities you’ve never met.
BRAD: The only way I can possibly get through this horrible trauma is by stabbing JT’s Charlize Theron doll over and over again… with my penis.
Um. Gross.
EDITOR’S NOTE: ENOUGH! Before this discussion totally derails, let’s hear your thoughts on any of the above topics in our comments below!
About the Author
Brad Stephenson Brad Stephenson is a Pittsburgh-based writer, actor, director, chupacabra hunter, and father. His work has been featured in various print and online publications, including MamaPop.com and PopCityMedia.com. Brad doesn't care how many pamphlets you send him. He will never believe that Restless Leg Syndrome is a real thing. Suck it up and quit moving your damn legs so much... he's trying to sleep. Also, Brad really likes burgers and pizza.
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