Published on September 13th, 2012 | by Brad Stephenson1
RoundTable Thursday, 9/13/12: Where In The World Is Xi Jinping?
The Table is Round but the participants are square. It’s RoundTable Thursday!
FRED BETZNER: I would start a Twitter war with all or most of the Kardashians that would then quickly turn into a real war with tanks and such. Then I’d take out Pauly Shore because of the 90s and wait for all the medals to come rollin’ in.
Also, Addi, how can I invest everything I own in your Jive/Taylor sex tape business? Keep in mind that everything I own consists of a broom autographed by Jason Alexander and a complete set of Gremlins 2 trading cards.
Me? Three words. Solid. Gold. Segways.
And monkey butlers.
SECOND TOPIC! The soon-to-be President of China, Xi Jinping, is currently missing. Where is he and what is he doing?
BRAD: He is obviously playing the leader of another country right now in a Mrs. Doubtfire-style switcheroo. He is most likely Vladimir Putin right now during the EU pricing dispute. When he’s needed back in China, he’ll pull off the Putin mask and be ready to roll.
I base everything in my life around Mrs. Doubtfire.
JIVE TURKEY: He is clearly bowing under the pressure of his impending presidency and has holed up in the linen closet with a case of Heineken and some porn with the intentions of jinping until he passes out or throws up. Or, as Brad Stephenson likes to call it: Thursday.
They have spent the last weekend doing trust falls, combing each other’s hair, communing with their spirit animals (Jong Un’s is a panda, Jinping’s is a water buffalo), and discussing strategies on how to further isolate their respective populations from the outside world while cracking down on free-thinking dissidents who are just jealous of their very special friendship.
ADDI: Actually, I just received word… he has been… RIGHT HERE THE WHOLE TIME, YOU FOOLS! Ha-HA! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR IT and also a water buffalo? Really? Come onnnn, I’m more honey badger, don’t you think?
Seriously though, I killed your friend Addi so I could hijack this thread. So I guess what I’m getting at is… well… can I start contributing to Act Classy? You’re down a writer.
JOE: GODDAMN IT! I can’t count all of the writers we’ve lost to hiding world readers looking to play a prank on us. It’s ridiculous. Let’s take a moment to pause and reflect on some of the Act Classy writers who have been killed by famous people.
RIP Mark Porchwhistle — obliterated by the swamp fan boat that Karolos Papoulias was joyriding on.
Guys, who else did we lose?
Honestly I’m glad Pebbles is dead — he was always giving me the shifty eye. Wasn’t ever sure if he was mentally undressing me or was just hungry.
FINAL TOPIC! Amy Poehler and Will Arnett have split up, forever damaging comedy and ruining love for everyone. How are you coping?
ADDI: Uh, HELLO, why do you people think I’ve been in hiding? Who can focus on important political matters when our beloved Amyill Poenett is on the outs? The Communist Party of China deserves better.
JIVE TURKEY: Oh, please. As I was just telling my life-size Charlize Theron doll right before I gave her a bath and fucked her, I think it’s silly to become emotionally invested when it comes to celebrities you’ve never met.