Off To A Bad Start: The Legend of Zelda
Welcome to Act Classy’s Off to a Bad Start! This is the only place on the Internet where I, Act Classy’s Joe Lyons, walk everyone through the precarious first moments of your favorite video games. This week, we look at The Legend of Zelda, where we start in a treacherous forest…
This is a terrible idea…
OK, Link. You’re in over your head. Some old lady told you about some princess somewhere that needed saving or else some pig guy you’ve never met is going to destroy the world or something. All you know is that the princess is supposed to be stupid hot and saving her is probably the only way this little elf boy is ever gonna get any play.
Blurbleblurbleblurble…
GAH! One of those damn land octopuses…octopi…whatever. What a horrifying world I live in. All I’ve got is this shield-sized bible, so maybe I should head into this cave.
Which was apparently put there by a geometrical savant…
Hello? Hellooooo?
GAH!!!!
Christ almighty!!! Don’t scare me like that!
Oh, sorry about that.
Have you just been waiting here all of this time for somebody to come by?
Pretty much.
Yeesh.
Yeah, it’s been like 15 years.
Dang.
Well, anyway, IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS!
Wow! Thanks, I can’t wait to…waitaminute. What is that?
What — this?
That is a sword.
I can see it’s a sword. What the hell is it made out of?
Wood.
Wood?
Yes, wood.
You’re giving me a wooden sword.
Yes. It’s quite sharp.
What I’m going to do with a wooden sword?
Stab things?
You mean give things very annoying splinters.
What do you want from me?! It’s a free sword!
It’s a free WOODEN sword.
Just take it and go save the world or something!
How am I supposed to do anything for Hyrule with this over-sized toothpick?!
Look — you take this sword, you fight some monsters…eventually, you’re gonna find a better sword.
I’m going to break this thing the second I swing it. Have you seen some of the monsters out there?
Not really. Kinda just been in the cave waiting for an adventurer to come by.
Oh. Well, let me tell you, they’re crazy. There’s a rock-shooting air-breathing octopus, cyclops spiders, all kinds of weird shit!
That does sound dangerous. Here, have this sword.
Sigh.
Look, like I said, you’re gonna find better gear so, chop-chop! Get going.
Why do you keep saying that?
One of my brothers in the other caves will have way better stuff to give you.
Like what?!
Oh, like bombs and boomerangs and crazy grappling hooks and things.
But all you have is wooden swords.
Sword. Just the one. You’re the first adventurer to come by here.
Lucky me.
Look, I know it’s tough. You’ve got a land you have to save and you planned ahead so poorly that you didn’t even bother to arm yourself.
Hey…
“Sure! I’ll go save the princess!” says the weaponless midget.
Now that’s just mean…
Look, pal, once you take this sword, I can finally lay down and die. You’ll never see me again…because I’ll be dead. Finally. So for the love of the Triforce would you JUST TAKE THE DAMN SWORD!!!
Fine! Geez!
Great! Go and be a hero and blah blah blah.
Hmm. It’s no so bad. It’s got a good heft.
Awesome. Now go kill something or burn it for warmth.
Look, I’m sorry I was kind of a pill. I’m new to this type of thing and I didn’t know you could adventure properly with a wooden sword.
Well, you’re welcome. Try not to screw up and die. Also, when you’re at full health, the sword shoots lasers.
Pardon me?
Yeah, the sword will totally shoot sword-shaped lasers if you’re not hurt.
Well, why in sweet holy hell did you not say that in the first place?!
It didn’t feel as regal.
Believe me, “Here take this laser shooting sword that happens to be made out of wood but still completely shoots lasers” would have gone over a lot better with me.
Hmmph. OK. Note taken.
SWEEEET!!! Imma shoot me some monsters!
Link, in the midst of his glee, trips and falls and gives himself a splinter.
Ooooooh.
OW!!!
Whelp, so much for the lasers. Don’t come back. I won’t be here.
Jerk.
Are there any other starting moments of video games you’d like us to examine? Leave your suggestions our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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