Move Over, Versace! Act Classy’s Fall Line Looks Good Enough to Eat
As an adult, I have magically stopped missing my mouth. I have completely mastered the art of wearing white and/or expensive and/or dry clean only clothing. I can slurp spaghetti without getting so much as a speck on me. Those embarrassing “Whoops! I glooped ranch on my Ralph Lauren!” moments are a thing of the past (though to be honest, that’s mostly because I haven’t worn him at all since that whole Olympic uniform kerfuffle).
OOPS! you spelled “USA” wrong.
Fortunately for YOU plebeian slobs, I haven’t forgotten what it’s like to live in culinary squalor. Since I’m such a giver, I’ve generously designed a whole new clothing line around your astonishing inability to eat even ONE meal without f&*#ing wearing it.
Suriously. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Aaaaaaaanyway, I have pretty much zero faith that the etiquette classes I signed you up for will do any good (could you please sit like a lady for once, DAD?), so I’ve taken matters into my own hands. Without further ado… I give you… Act Classy’s Fall Line!
MEATBUTTONS
Because… well… sorry, why do you need a reason for meatbuttons? Just FYI, I suggest pulling this one over your head. It only buttons up, ummmm, exactly once.
COFFLINKS
We get it, James Bond. You need your caffeine fix before you go jet-setting with a leggy vagina. But I cringe every time you take that tacky “Class of 007″ mug you got from Moneypenny on the chopper. I mean REALLY man, the dry cleaning bill is bad enough when Octopussy is in town “smuggling” your jewels.
RED WINING GOWN 
LADIES, come on. A lush like yourself can’t resist drinking red wine on her wedding day. And since it has been scientifically proven that dribbles of red wine gravitate directly to your filthy funbags, this gown has been pre-stained for your convenience. Also, let’s be real. You shouldn’t be wearing pure white, anyway.
I TAKE IT BACK THE WHITE WAS PERFECT PLEASE PUT IT BACK ON I LEARNED MY LESSON.
Ladies and gentlemen, these have just been just the highlights of our new collection! We’ll be announcing the rest soon! That is, if we can find American workers who don’t eat these items before they make it off the manufacturing line.
About the Author
Addi Twigg Addi Twigg lives at the top of a killer hill in Pittsburgh and works a boring day job that is oddly satisfying, like a half melted Snickers. She doesn't know how to take a compliment, but don't let that stop you.
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