Ladies’ Football Boots Are Dripping With Class

My desire to take part in the fashion trend of riding boots has been problematic. I was a ballet dancer for many years, I run, and I’m a little overweight. All of these things combined mean that I have some pretty meaty calves. They’re bigger than most boots on the market. When I search on Zappos for boots that will fit me, I end up with pairs that are listed as “double wide.” My shopping experience is always so special when my body starts sharing terminology with mobile homes.

My pretty dress

Because I had been doing so much searching for a pair online, my browser did that creepy thing where it started displaying ads for boots. Then one day, while trying to find one particular episode of “Pittsburgh Dad,” I looked over and saw this nonsense:

“What is that on the right,” I asked myself. “Are those…are those boots that look like footballs?” Sure enough, they were. Against my better judgment I clicked through to the website. I was not really prepared for what I found there.

This:

And this:

Yes, that’s a baseball bat making up the heel. Isn’t that precious?

And, dear god, this:

I’m generally irritated by hyper-feminine sports fan crap, so these shoes get my stink-eye by default, but they are objectively ridiculous, right? I mean, they’re stripper shoes for sports fans. They belong wrapped around a pole, not stomping out “We Will Rock You” at Heinz Field.

The company also makes platform heels that can be decorated with your sorority’s Greek letters, which is a really brilliant use of your student loan money. The future female leaders of the country will be found teetering around campus in these suckers, showing their Greek pride with every twisted ankle.

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Tags: featured, football boots, Ladies Football Boots

About the Author

kdiddy kdiddy is a lifelong Pittsburgher and always has trouble readings people’s facial expressions when she tells them that. She’s been a writer since somewhere around second grade, when she penned a novella about a monster who attacked her suburb, devoured all of the kids in her Catholic school, and put a hurt on the supply of hot dogs in the cafeteria. Since that auspicious beginning, she’s earned a few fancy-pants writing degrees and vomited her words in print and online (kdiddy.org, MamaPop.com). Her hobbies include wife-ing, mothering, showing hoes no love, carbs, and candy.