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Published on September 28th, 2012 | by Joe Lyons

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I Will De-Lesbian The Pants Off Of You: An Open Letter to Gigi Chao

This week in the World of Intolerance comes the story of Cecil Chao, a billionaire Hong Kong property magnate.  Cecil, a gentleman with more money than your average Bond villain, just put a $65 MILLION bounty on his 33-year-old daughter, Gigi Chao.  Here’s Cecil now:

What do you mean I can’t buy a submarineocopter?!

So why would anyone put a bounty the size of the GDP of a medium sized country on his own daughter?  Oh, you.  You’re so naïve and stupid.  He did it because Gigi is a lesbian who just married her wife, and now he’ll pay any man who manages to straight-marry his daughter.  It’s a tale as old as time. You can read all about it HERE.  Here’s Gigi and her non-wang-having spouse:

Gigi is on the right. Another thing about this couple that Cecil is not thrilled about? Gay dogs.

It’s really a sad situation.  Here’s a man who, instead of being happy for and supporting his daughter in all things, is willing to give some guy millions upon millions of dollars just to romance the lesbian out of her.  That’s an unfortunate gesture made by a misguided man.  Think about it.  Cecil will pay any man, any man in the ENTIRE world, to romance his daughter to a degree that a sexuality change will initiate itself.  Any man.  Any man in the whole world is one act of seduction away from millions and…wait…

I’m looking at this wrong way, aren’t I fellas?

Um, could everyone but Gigi Chao get off the Internet for a minute?  Thanks.

AHEM.

My Dearest Gigi,

Hey girl.  My name is Joe Lyons.  I’m a writer, humorist, and devastatingly attractive man from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in the United States of America.  You don’t know anything about me, but I feel like I know everything about you.  That’s right, girl — I’ve noticed you from across the globe and I want to tell you the reasons why we should be together forever…intertwined…with a massive pile of money.

This isn’t me…but it could be…

Now, I know you are probably up to your eyeballs in potential suitors right now, but I’m here to tell you that all of those other guys are garbage.  You are a confused girl at a very difficult time in your life.  Sure, you might think you just married the love of your life, even though she’s also a lady, but I need you to know that you screwed up royally.  The real love of your life is right here at his computer in Pittsburgh.  Let me give you some bullet points about me and why I’m your ideal mate:

• I am attractive to members of all sexes
• I have my own car
• I am currently married and the reviews coming from my wife rank me at a solid B minus.
• I have a very rare DVD of the movie Robocop
• Can eat my body weight in lasagne
• I am skilled in 53 different styles of love making…even the dangerous ones.
• I have a AAA Membership
• I will compliment you endlessly, even on the days where you look gross
• While I do not play an instrument, I will serenade you with a keyboard that has been activated to the “SAMBA” setting

And I could go on and on.  Hey, what’s that?  You like silly little dogs in funny sweaters.  That’s cool.  Oh, what’s this I have here?  Why, it’s a picture of me with a silly little dog in a sweater:

With the added bonus of sex-face. I’ll make sex-face whenever you need it.

I’ll give you a sec to calm down after seeing the Christmas version of my sex-face.  Better?  Good.  So listen, girl, I need you in my life.  You are everything to me and I will definitely make you glad that you made a sexuality change.  Being married to a dude could be the best thing in the world for you.  I can open jars and I will swear at a piece of furniture that I am building until it has either been completed or smashed by me.  I already talked to your dad and he couldn’t be happier about our impending union.  Vaginas?  They are the worst.  The human wang is the most beautiful thing in the world and I can assure you that I am in possession of one.  So let’s stop this song and dance.  Let’s just give in to the mighty connection that I’m feeling between you and me.  I’m just a boy, in front of a girl, asking that she love him and then share a truck full of money with him.

Gigi, will you marry me?  I’ll assume you just said yes.  I’m already on a plane anyway, so could you clear out a couple of drawers for me at your house and start making lunch?  Awesome.  We’re going to be great together.

Sexually yours with a love that would burn down the halls of Valhalla to get at you,

Joe Lyons

P.S.  OK, second pitch.  Could we just get married, I’ll sleep on the couch until your dad’s check clears, and then we’ll split the money?  I’m also completely down with that plan too.  You’re dad’s an ass anyway, so let’s take him for all he’s worth.  I’ve just exhausted any and all seduction I’ve got in me so I’m not sure I’m going to be able to trick you into being something you’re not.  Deal?

What do you think, folks?  Do I have a shot at winning Gigi’s heart?  Leave your thoughts and votes of support in the classy comments box below!

Tags: Cecil Chao, featured, Gigi Chao, lesbian

About the Author

Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.

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