Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists — Paul Ryan is Great at Everything!
This week in political non-scandals, Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan claimed that he had completed a marathon in under three hours. THREE HOURS! That’s incredible! That’s amazing! And it’s also 100% false! Critics of Ryan, using the most basic of investigative tools, were able to point out that he had never accomplished such a feat and he has since admitted to not ever coming close to such a time.
Note to self: Put Google on the list of American Enemies.
But don’t look so down, Ryan fans! Do you know that Ryan has volumes of accomplishments, abilities, and skills that no one has bothered to disprove yet? It’s true! If anything, Paul Ryan is extraordinarily persistent and determined…to let you know that he’s an extraordinary human being. It would take a very long time to go through all of them, so we thought we’d save you time and present to you the Top 17 Amazing Things Paul Ryan Can Do!
1. Paul Ryan can eat three breakfasts in the time it takes you to eat one.
2. Paul Ryan can see things based on their heat signatures like Predator.
3. Paul Ryan can impregnate anyone just by looking at them…and I mean anyone…
4. Paul Ryan broke every single juggling record that Guinness recognizes, but they’re not published because the Guinness rep killed himself after viewing such juggling beauty.
5. If Paul Ryan calls you, the caller ID on your phone will always say “From Inside Your House.”
6. Paul Ryan once ran through hot coals. Not over — through. It was waist deep.
7. Paul Ryan is the Wilt Chamberlain of PowerPoint presentations. Wilt Chamberlain is the Paul Ryan of lovemaking.
…and yet, I can do SO MUCH with it.
8. Paul Ryan doesn’t run, he just slows down the rotation of the Earth.
9. You can’t find pictures of Paul Ryan without his shirt on because it would be like staring at an eclipse.
10. Paul Ryan has all the GI Joe guys. Particularly the ones you don’t have.
11. Paul Ryan can run faster than you can ride your bike, bike faster than you can drive your car, and unless you own a space shuttle, you should back away from this argument.
12. Paul Ryan will always tell people if your girlfriend in Canada is fake.
13. Paul Ryan has all of the high scores on Mortal Kombat at the arcade.
14. How many push-ups can you do? Paul Ryan can do that plus infinity.
Oh look, it’s the latest “Constantly Being Outstanding” report. I wonder who is in it…
15. You won’t miss your Medicare after you fall into Paul Ryan’s eyes.
16. See that? Paul Ryan can jump over that.
17. Paul Ryan has never had a cavity because he avoids legitimate tooth decay.
Something else, ain’t he? Know of any other amazing things Paul Ryan is capable of that he hasn’t been forced to admit was a fib yet? Leave them in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
Related Posts
Weekly News Flash: Paul Ryan Bases Budget on Hopes, Dreams, Magic Money Fairies →
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
-
SuzyQuzey
-
http://darwinfish2.blogspot.com bluzdude
-
Knucklehead
