Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists: NFL Replacement Referees!
Hey. Guess what? FOOTBALL’S BACK!!!
Let’s face it, your month would be terrible without Act Classy’s Forced Meme Monday.
That’s right, we’ve suffered through baseball for far too long and now we can all get back to enjoying a real sport where massive dudes wail on each other while girls in sports bras dance on the sidelines in Buffalo in sub-zero temperatures. It’s the way God intended sport to be. But the one spectre currently looming over our collective enjoyment of the brand new football season is the fact that our usual blind and stupid referees are on strike and have been replaced by referees that I can only creatively describe as blinder and stupider.
OK, who here is not clear on the fact that this sport is called “Football” and not “Wobbildy-Pig”?
The preseason with these faux refs was a mess, and the season isn’t off to a better start. So, in the interest of public safety and well-being, we here at Act Classy have been studying every single football game that has been played thus far this year with varying degrees of sobriety. We’ve compiled all of our data and are now ready to present to you The Top 17 Things We’ve Noticed About The Replacement Referees This Football Season!
1. Penalty flags have been referred to as “No-No Hankies.”
2. Ray Lewis was penalized for icing.
3. They keep wondering why they are not in charge of taking the losing team out for pizza and Capri Sun drink pouches.
4. Referees now have the right to stop the clock in order to review a play, allow an injured player to exit the field, and for their own hurt feelings.
5. “The yards will be added to the foot-throw at the start of the next period.”
Um, just work it out amongst yourselves!
6. Under the hood of the review screen? Non-stop Madden simulation of the game they’re officiating to figure out what to say.
7. Several of the Steelers had to play for the Broncos since the referees made the captains “choose teams” before the game.
8. “OK! Everyone line up for handshakes and good-games!”
9. Thus far, there have been 57 “do-overs”.
10. Opening Day actually had to be postponed for a week because the refs exploded every single official football. They over-inflated them because the were totally positive the footballs aren’t supposed to look like that.
11. “Man, this is half as violent as Lingerie Football and twice as sexy.”
12. Halftime at the Chargers game was extended by 45 minutes because none of the refs signed release forms to have their likenesses appear on TV.
13. Forty-five percent of the self-provided uniforms are re-purposed zebra costumes.
EVERYONE PLAY NICER!!!
14. The refs at the Eagles game really phoned it in when they found out they weren’t going to meet the Philly Phanatic.
15. “Oh!!!! So, it’s like the XFL, but for non-wusses!”
16. Field goals were initially awarded 15 points because they looked “stupid hard” to do.
17. “Touching. On the Ball-Having side. Fourteen line penalty. Roll the sign back to one.”
These are dark times indeed. Have you noticed anything about the replacement refs? Then leave your observations in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
Related Posts
My God, What Have We Done: The Best Of Act Classy 2012 →
RoundTable Thursday, January 10, 2012: Resolutions, White House Sharts, and Bieber Intervention →
Debt Ceiling News: Republicans Apparently Unclear on The Way Money Works →
Comments