Act Classy’s Top 17 Lists – Mitt Romney Video Hijinks!
When you write for one of The Internet’s leading humor sites (“The Internet” is the nickname for the Word documents I keep on the malfunctioning netbook where I keep the majority of my rantings), you like to cover a wide variety of topics. News, current events, pop culture, and Kate Middleton’s boobs for example. But we are in an election year, so the one topic that seems to be trending as relevant from week to week is politics. I vowed not to write anything political this week, since my outrage at the upcoming Robocop remake is downright palpable, but then Mitt Romney had to up and get caught in a controversial video.
Not that kind of video.
It’s been all over the news, so that means Act Classy has to cover it. You know the video, right? The one where Mitt says that 47% of the US won’t vote for him because they have the audacity to think that maybe the government should help them have access to food, or how neat it would be for him to have his own Iranian hostage situation. Well folks, that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Act Classy has watched this video more times than we’ve seen Condorman (and we LOVE Condorman) and we’re ready to present you with our findings. So, without further ado, here are The Top 17 Controversial Things That Came Out of That Mitt Romney Fundraising Video!
1. On four separate instances, Romney seemed to confuse President Obama with Jimmy Walker.
2. Referred to his Secret Service detail as his “Gun Butlers.”
3. It wasn’t actually a $10,000-a-plate dinner. Food was served on flatware made out of $10,000 in currency.
4. “Gay Marriage is a terrifying notion. How will one be able to tell which one is the trophy spouse?!”
5. When he pulled his hands out of his pockets to wave at the crowd, 15 ticket stubs to Innocence of Muslims fell out.
6. Tried to pander to the far-right wingers by bringing out the wealthy version of Larry the Cable Guy, Lawrence the Man Who Owns a Company That Makes Satellites.
7. Spent 12 minutes of his speech saying, “the media” over and over again while flashing a thumbs-down.
8. Had to leave the stage after getting a Mormon distress call from headquarters via his magic underpants.
If this is AquaMormon again, I swear to God…
9. “Maybe we’d have less single mothers if we had more formal cotillions in this country!”
10. Seemed to imply that bringing the Cold War back would be awesome. Further fact checking reveals Romney owns a company that does nothing but make DVDs of the original Red Dawn.
11. Joked that he meant no disrespect to Britain and the Royal Family after his insulting comments about the Olympics. A moment later, he stepped on the neck of a Corgi that scampered across the stage after shrieking, “CASTLE RAT!”
12. Romney’s cell phone went off on several occasions and his ringtones are all Chris Brown songs.
13. “Romneycare is nothing like Obamacare because there are no provisions for injuries sustained in one’s money vault!”
Global Warming is just like an effective music and arts program. Neither of them exist.
14. He went on to describe all of the jobs who would create for the less fortunate in this country, and then coughed the words “Ammunition Factory” under his breath.
15. Had an alarming flow chart of all of the people that would have to die for him to actually step into the role of President, effective today.
16. At the end of the fundraiser, he immediately bankrupted the banquet hall and made a $15 million profit.
17 . “We will end the plight of the hovercraft-less within my presidency!”
All I know is that I’ve forgotten about all of this thanks to royal boob pictures. Know of any other controversial things that came out of this video? Leave them in our classy comments box below!
About the Author
Joe Lyons Joe Lyons is a Pittsburgh-based humorist, playwright and the only man to successfully play Street Fighter II at Beeps, Balls & Bings in Camp Hill, PA blindfolded for 12 consecutive matches in 1992. His fighter of choice was E. Honda, thanks to the ease of his attacks, the reach on his punches and kicks, and the fact that when he flew through the air you could kind of see his butt. Butts are funny. Joe has been featured on Significant Objects, Hilobrow, MamaPop, and will someday spout his insanity on a gigantic video wall in the middle of a major city, like that Geisha lady from Blade Runner.
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